Sounding Like a Broken Record

I know, I am at it again.

I am trying to figure out if I caught a bug or if it's just the Chronic Fatigue acting up.

Initially I thought it was the CF that has been flaring over the last few days.  Dry throat in the morning, weakness, extra tired, more pain all around.  Mild fever.  - very mild.  Migraines

Yup sounds about right, sounds like CFS acting up.  Even though the fibromyalgia is pretty much always there, the CFS tends to come in spurts lasting from a few days to several months.  I am always a little afraid when I get a spurt as I don't know how long it will last.  I keep hoping for a short spurt as going to work everyday, even at a relatively easy job like mine is very difficult during these times.  My life winds up being a variation of the last week. 

Last week, by Wednesday, I could barely function by the time I got home.  Forget about cooking or cleaning.  Forget also about reading or playing my computer games, these were also at a bare minimum.  I could just plop on the couch until it was time to go to bed.  The weekend was just resting and napping, again as little cleaning and cooking as possible. Going up and down the stairs was almost impossible.

So I have been thinking that I have hit a CFS flare.  This morning, looking at my son's flushed face, I started doubting this theory of mine.  Maybe it's just a bug?

If it's a bug, chances are it's almost over.  Maybe it's not my attempt at exercising more last week and the weekend before.  Maybe it's just a cold without sneezing or coughing or clogged sinuses.

It could be right?  Pretty bad when the concept of a regular cold cheers one up, but there you have it.

I am hoping this is just a cold.

Thanks for reading.

A Close Call - Murder

When I was 24 and I wanted to kill a guy.  The guy was the boss of my friend’s boyfriend.  If I had killed the guy I would have been found not guilty ...reason of temporary insanity. The boyfriend of my friend was narrowly able to stop me. Too bad I did not kill him.

My friend and the boyfriend both lived with me.  There were 4 of us (plus two kids) living in the same house co-op style.  We all worked as Security guards and since Guards don’t make a lot of money and work all shifts we figure that living together would improve our quality of life considerably.  Especially me as I had to support two kids at that point.

It was 1998 and I had recently given birth to my son.  My son was less than 3 months old at the time (I do not remember his age exactly.  There was definitely still snow outside).  My son ate every 2 hours, which means he did not sleep more than 1 consecutive hour at a time. That means I did not sleep more than 1 hour at a time during the night.  I had tried and tried to get him to eat every four hours but did not succeed.  He had a healthy appetite and was HUNGRY!  I also had to take care of my beautiful 5 year old daughter so she did not sleep at all during the day. I also had other things to do around the house, errands and so forth so I got very little sleep, if not at all for days on end. My mental state was therefore more fragile than usual.

As mentioned earlier, I had housemates.  One evening a housemate was sick (the boyfriend).  He called his work to say he could not go in the next morning.  As I recall, in order to book off work, we normally needed to provide a certain notice to give the supervisor time to find a replacement.  You also all know that sometimes, illness strikes fairly quickly.  Injuries strike faster, it is not always possible to call so many hours ahead of time. Also, sick time was unpaid.  In his case he had not called within the recommended amount of time (8 hours I think). I believe he got food poisoning; it was something fairly fast anyway. When his supervisor arrived at work that morning around 5.30 am and got the message, he decided to call the housemate to give him shit.  He called not at 8 AM to tell him he needed to come in for a meeting.  If a supervisor wants to give an employee a dressing down, they need to bring them in during paid time to do it, not whenever they feel like it.  This guy, this supervisor, he disregards any of that and calls his employee at 5:30 in the morning to give him shit about booking off.

Since I had the phone beside my bed and my friend and her boyfriend both slept like a log, (good thing considering the baby) it is I who got the call.  I had just fallen asleep after being awake for nearly 48 hours straight and being overly exhausted due to general lack of sleep.  He asked to speak to my housemate, I told him no that he was sick and asleep and he could call back after 8.  (I have to admit I may not have been excruciatingly polite, but I was also not very awake) The supervisor then ordered me to put my housemate on the phone which I refused.  I should mention a few things here.  The four of us worked for the same company, two of which had this particular supervisor. I did not work for that supervisor nor did a 4^th party.  The girlfriend did work for this supervisor but she was on extended sick leave as she was pregnant and having a rough time of it.  I was on maternity leave.  The fourth worked night shift and was at work.  Also, both the girlfriend and I were shop steward.  Oops!

When I  may refused, I may have mentioned that he was breaking the law for calling at an ungodly hour for non-emergency reasons. The supervisor then started blasting ME!  Oh that did it.  To make matters worse, the call had woken up my son.

I lost it in a big way; I was overwhelmed by an urgent desire to KILL HIM! Dressed in my pajamas, I grabbed the car keys, told the housemates that had woken up (my screaming perhaps?) to watch the kids I had something I needed to do.  Of course they wanted to know where I was going, and when I told them, the girlfriend wanted to come and help me, while the boyfriend did everything he could  to stop me. All I wanted to do was kill the asshole!  Eventually he was able to calm me down.

At a reasonable hour, once our manager was in the office, I called to speak to the manager (the supervisor’s boss) to complain about the call in the middle of the night.  At first the manager was taking the supervisor’s side saying as there were several guards at our address it was acceptable to call at any time day or night.  Then when explained that two of us were not working and that the call was a disciplinary call, which our collective agreement said had to be done during office hours on business premises, that this particular call should not have been done the way it was. At the very least the supervisor could have called during regular hours to politely call and ask for a medical certificate or something of the kind (which the housemate had) and not assume that everyone in the house should naturally be awake.

Eventually the supervisor was disciplined for the incident, but the measure did not sate me.  I should at the very least have beaten the shit out of him.  All things considered I would have been let off easy.

Aura Migraines

My son's teacher recently had an Aura Migraine.  At the time she was afraid that she was having a stroke. Aura migraines can be very scary indeed.  All weekend my son had trouble relaxing as he was extremely worried about her.  On the Monday when he found out that it was only a migraine he was very relieved. 

My son absolutely LOVES this teacher.  He has in fact agreed to be more cooperative in school for her.  From the few times I have spoken to her, I can tell that she truly loves teaching and loves her students.  I have spoken to teachers who either don't love teaching or don't love kids or both.  My son has been lucky to have had a few teachers who loved teaching and him. Anyway, back to migraines.  When my son told me his teacher had a migraine and not a stroke as he had feared, he was full of sympathy for the teacher.

When I tried to explain to my son that I understood his teacher's pain as I only get migraines, he was convinced that I could not possibly ever have felt the sheer intensity of his teacher's pain.  So I looked up what an Aura Migraine actually is.  It IS possible after all that her migraine was much worst than the ones I get regularly.  My research determined that there are different kinds of migraines out there.

There is a migraine that is in the tummy, go figure, here I thought it was like a headache.  See this website: Migraines for Dummies

I also found out that an Aura migraine is a migraine that follows a visual disturbance, like the type I can at least twice a month.  The worst ones always happen during my periods.  The last one of those was absolutely horrid.  Those usually happen during the weekend, but not always.  Tylenol and Advil sometimes help, reducing the pain but not eliminating it.

I have consulted WebMD to find out if the "headaches" can really be called Aura Migraine and if the scintilla is any indication, I definitely get these migraines.  At other times, it's my peripheral vision that gets blurry.  I am also prone to the "blind spots".  But further research has made me discover "Cluster Headaches".  These are known as the worst pain known to man.  Think about that for a second...  worst pain known to man...  

The cardinal symptoms of the cluster headache attack are the severe or very severe unilateral orbital, supraorbital and/or temporal pain lasting 15–180 minutes, if untreated, and the attack frequency of one to 16 attacks in 48 hours. The headache is accompanied by at least one of the following autonomic symptoms: ptosis (drooping eyelid), miosis (pupil constriction) conjunctival injection (redness of the conjunctiva), lacrimation (tearing), rhinorrhea (runny nose), and, less commonly, facial blushing, swelling, or sweating, all appearing on the same side of the head as the pain. The attack is also associated with restlessness, the sufferer often pacing the room or rocking back and forth. Less frequently, he or she will have an aversion to bright lights and loud noise during the attack

Now I can't tell for sure that my son's teacher's migraine was more intense than those I get.  I just may never know.  Pain is too personal a concept, but I definitely rank up there as far as pain is considered.

I used to think I never got migraines, and I was thankful.  I figured that my headaches were bad enough, that I sure would not want to go through a migraine.  They looked so painful to watch other people going through them.  One day, I forget what happened (a doctor maybe) I found out that my headaches were not the mere tension headaches that I had always thought they were (not because I thought there were not painful but because I automatically assumed that I was a wimp) but in fact migraines and pretty nasty ones at that!

I know many people feel that I am making a mountain out of a molehill where pain is considered, I am definitely way too self absorbed (but that is another topic).  I do wish some would realize that the pain is real and maybe, just maybe my pain is just as bad as the next person...

Well thanks for reading.

What's new?

I have been posting much lately.

I know my last post was looking hopeful.  A new direction.

I have to say I have yet to do nay of the projects mentioned.  Something has always been in the way.

I am struggling.  Mentally, physically.and financially.

Last week, we did clean up the front yard.  It is looking a bit better.  We still need to place the pavers around the tree and the front flower beds.  We took out the fairy stuff.  Make it look like it's mine.

We also started some seeds going.  I know I am a little late, but it's not May yet so, I might have some produce this summer yet. Assuming the seeds grow.

Trying to figure out how to get the backyard garden going.  There is a lot of soil needed,  Also some kind of barrier.  I have decided I want a berry bush.  Of course it's a big expense at first BUT in the long run it will save money.  If not this year, definitely by next year.

Also, there is nothing like having fresh produce, grown without all those chemicals and growth hormones.

BTW, I sorely miss being able to do stuff, whenever I got the hankering.  I miss taking a walk to the store.  I miss being able to do all the manual labour I used to do.  Believe it or not, I enjoyed most of that work.

Hard to enjoy stuff when it hurts so much.  I am sorry. I should not keep talking about this.

I should not mention that my cubital tunnel is acting up again.  I should not mention that I now have this new itch/burn thing going with my fingers and toes.  I should not mention that my accommodation at work is moving at a very slow pace.  I should not mention that as I sit here typing today I just want to cry from the pain.  I took pain relievers but it not taking the pain away.  I hate knowing there is nothing I can do.  Nothing anyone can do.

I hate not being able to just enjoy life.

Oh boy, whining again.  Sorry.

Back to the garden. assuming that my finances enable me to get the basics done this year.  We are trying to start some veggies from seeds.  So far we have planted peas, yellow wax beans, cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce.

Yup fresh garden.  We still have the parley and thyme from last year.  They just need to be replanted properly.  We will need to get some more perennial spices.  Basil sounds like a good plan.  Oregano too.

Can you imagine the nice pasta sauce we can have?  Yum yum.

As for flowers in the front, I have some bleeding hearts, some irises, some lilies to start.  May 2-4 weekend I'll see what else I can add.  Maybe I can buy more mini roses.  Those are always nice.

The soil we have at the new house is not like the one we had at the old house.  It's kinda dry and "sandy"  The old soil was moist and clumpy.  I wonder if the plants will grow as well in this type of soil.  I probably should get some compost or something to enrich it, help it keep it's moisture.  On the other hand, maybe this means less of those pesky bugs.

I bought three hooks last year.  I decided that this year I would use them as bird house holders.  Get some of those cute ones from Dollarama.

I have also started using my slow cooker (crock pot).  Last weekend I tried out a Jambalaya recipe.  This is very definitely a great thing.  I just have to get a little better at the recipes, shopping for them and prepping them either the night before or even better during the weekend, create baggies of ready meals, just plunk in slow cooker in morning.  Can you imagine using the slow cooker to make pasta sauce, using fresh tomatoes and  fresh spices?  The smell when you come home after a day's work?  The challenge would be to make sure I get some as the kids get home before I do and it just make qualify as cruel and unusual punishment to not let them have any while continuing to smell it.  Bad enough when I use the slow cooker during the weekend (as for the jambalaya).

I don't know that there is much else that is new.  The house has not moved forward in anything, no painting, no more boxes disappearing.  It just is.  I have fishes that keep dying, things that keep getting lost.  The usual.

Well thanks for reading and till next time!

I Have Not Forgotten

Hello all,

Just dropping by to let you all know I have not forgotten you.

Indeed I am posting less these days.  There are a few different reasons for that.

1. I have already complained about most of the things that I need to complain about.  I don't want to keep constantly spinning the same broken record.  When my life keeps throwing the same old lemons at me and I run out of sugar to make lemonade, I don't have much to say.

2. My computer monitor is dead.  I can at times make a quick Facebook update before it goes black but not much more.  My son's laptops are dead and my daughter's computer set-up is not comfortable enough to write a post.  Then at work, well, I only have my breaks and lunch.  I don't always have the time to write a post because there is so much more that needs to be done.  I need to wait till this summer to improve the at home computer situation.  Finances are much too tight between now and then.  A good friend has offered to loan me a monitor, was even willing to bring it to me last weekend, but I was not available at that time.  I will see about next weekend, maybe go to them.  Hope the monitor works on my computer...

3. Spring makes life busier, but unfortunately, so far is not making me have more energy.  In fact with the wonderfully unstable weather we are having lately, I have less "spoons" to work with.

Also, I have been thinking lately of giving my blog a new direction.  With the new house, I have all kinds of decoration ideas.  Maybe the blog could become a diary of sorts of all these changes I will or plan on making.

Oh I know there are already a lot of craft / renovation blogs out there! Most are probably better than I could ever hope to be, however, part of the point my blog would be to "motivate me". to get things done.  If I know that every week I must have some new project to write about (with pictures of course) maybe it will help me find that little something I am missing to get things done.  I already have a list of things that needs to get done:

• paint the dining room walls and the cabinet - this may be two projects
• paint the kitchen cabinets into a nice country colour (creme?  light blue? some other colour?  I'll need to get tester jars and paint a carboard and tack them onto my cabinets and see what looks best)
• do something about the backsplash.  I have been wanting a backsplash in the kitchen since forever BUT this one is a little ugly and out-dated.  I have thought of "Smart Tiles"  on top, I also thought of ceramic paint...  The paint would probably be more work but less expensive. 
• paint the tables in the living room, make them spiffy
• paint the downstairs washroom in a colour other than pink, maybe get a little creative and do a Mario Bros. theme
• paint my son's room
• I am thinking of painting the living room too, maybe just a wall or two...
• make the entryway organized and interesting...

Then there is the lanscappiong, the gardening....

What do you think?

Thanks for reading/