What Doesn't Break You Makes You Stronger

You've all heard that saying.

It's supposed to make one have the strength to keep going.  It's supposed to show a person how strong they are and how much they have already overcome.

Some people think I am strong.

But I am not.

I am broken

In a million pieces

And I keep breaking more and more every day.

I have been pondering a lot for the last while if life has just been throwing too many challenges my way.  There is a little voice in my head that is getting louder and louder saying "I can't take it anymore!"  My therapist says that when we hear that voice we have to listen to it and make the changes needed to stop those things that the little voice say have to stop.

But some of those things just can't be stopped.  No change is possible.  So it just keeps going on and one until when?  What?

Being a single parent, sole source of income is not going to change.

Having a special needs teenager is not going to change.

Being ill, exhausted and in pain all the time is not going to change.

There are no options for sending my teenager away long enough to help me recover.

I can't stop working, finances would be impossible.  I did it for a few months and it was tough, more than though.  I took a work arrangement to have 5 weeks off, but it lowered my earnings, making things just that much harder.

My children don't understand the limits of my earning potential, the cost of living and the cost to my health.

It's like they think money grows on trees - for me - not for them of course,

Moms are supposed to be superhuman, capable of everything, with endless energy and strength.  They are disappointed on me.  I am not the mom they deserve.  I am not, but then I don't think the best mom in the world is good enough.  Even a mom with the help of a dad to do everything would not be enough.  How can I possibly live up to that?  I stopped trying.  It's a mountain I have no chance of overcoming.

So often I sit crying, needing to find strength I don't have.  Wishing some kind of help was available, but knowing there is nothing out there for me.  Forcing myself to accept that I am alone and always will be.

So many things I want for myself, so many things I want to do, so many things I have had to give up or put off to never.

I don't know how much longer I can take any of this.  Always being in pain, always being exhausted, rarely getting what I want, or need.

Well meaning wonderful loving people suggest things that would help.  Stuff to reduce stress, take away pain, increase energy.

I CAN'T AFFORD THESE BEAUTIFUL SOLUTIONS!  Getting regular massages, being followed by a naturopath, chiropractor etc...  I am doing therapy but will have to stop that as well as 1. it not helping much and 2 I am struggling to be able to afford it.

They say improving my eating habits will help.  Well the food is expensive and I simply DO NOT have the energy to prepare it.

NOBODY is going to give me the money I need, the money my son feels I should have to get him the things he wants.

NOBODY will prepare my meals for me, help me clean, help me take care of my house.

NOTHING will ever change.

I am broken but nobody really cares.  I am not worthy of having someone that cares.  I am ugly and pointless.  If I stop providing for others, there will no longer be any point to my existence.

I am not strong.  I am broken.  In a million, billion pieces.

Warning - Religious Rant! - Negative

As the title says, I am going to rant about religious stuff.  If you are a strong believer and don't like it when people say negative things about "God" then I strongly suggest you stop reading now.

So, I am not christian, I do not believe in a single god, so that rules out a bunch of other religions too.  I do believe there is "POWER" out there, but I don't see it as much of an interfering kind.  I don't believe there is one single entity that grants favours if you pray to it.

When my daughter was born, there was a strong push for me to have her baptised.  It HAD to be done according to almost everyone I knew.  For years I had to fight those that wanted me to bring my children into the fold of their "religion" by people who did not even know their religion properly and kept breaking it's rules, in some pretty major ways, on a daily basis.

Some said, just do it for the pretty rites, for the pictures, gifts and memories, like that's a reason to saddle your child with a religion you do not believe in?

Something I do STRONGLY believe in is the power of the MIND.  I think faith has a lot more to do with the power of the mind than the power and influence of some heavenly body.  I you believe in something strong enough, you can effect change.

I also believe in concepts such as luck, karma and destiny.  The more positive energy you put out in the world, the more will likely come back to you.  Sometimes that positive energy is sent out in the form of prayers.  That's fair.  I do think actions of goodness outweigh "prayers". Some people naturally have luck, some people don't.  Some people "need" to travel a certain path for the lessons they need to learn.

Considering the above, it seriously bugs me when I hear or read stuff like: "put your life in the hand of God, he will provide" or "many of us rely on God to meet our needs and he never fails"

Hum.... no.

This GOD is supposed to be all loving, all forgiving.  I see instances everyday where GOD is not providing.  Oh choice and the devils influence explain those.  Nice try!

I do also think need to seriously STOP trying to impose their religion and beliefs on other people.  You want to believe and live according to those ways for yourself, go ahead, you totally have that right and I think you need to do what makes you happy and fulfilled.  You however need to respect that your formula just may not work for the person next to you.

Live and let live.  Respect others.Teach goodness, not for religious sakes but for the fact that the need for goodness is universal.

Protect and help the weak because it's the right thing to do.

Religion does not belong in public institutions.  Can we stop that already?  Swearing on the bible in court?  I'd rather be swearing on my honour.  Prayers at council meetings?  Nope, not the place.  Forcing children to take religious courses at school because not enough parents thought to ask for a morality course instead?  Not right.


Schools should be a place for teaching stuff like science, language and history (in an unbiased way).  I see nothing wrong with teaching the biology of sexuality to children.  I also see nothing wrong with informing them about the diversity of gender and sexual orientation.  These things are out there in their society. If you want to push the concept of "choice" in these matters, that belongs at home, but it's not wrong for them to be exposed to a more neutral way of understanding these concepts. Religion should be taught in the home and/or churches, not the school system.  (As an aside, I know colleges and universities teach a variety of religions, I am OK with that as they are not trying to push a belief, it's more of an information thing, providing knowledge about them rather than indoctrination.)

As for civic and statutory holidays being based on one religion.  Please. I know my country was built on one particular religion, but it really no longer reflects its current mosaic.  Provide 11 civic and /or statutory holidays to be taken according to the need of the individual. Doing so would provide better coverage of services across the board to everyone. November 11th should be mandatory for everyone.  While it's war related, and many are against war, it's also a celebration of peace and the sacrifices of many towards that goal.

OK, I think I am done ranting for now.  There is a possibility I will come back to this post and rant some more.

Thanks for reading and I hope I dd not offend too many.  I am open to comments about your point of view as always.

Oh I just wanted to add one small little thing, for those of you who might be temped to tell me to "go home" or "go back to my own country"  A have a large dose of First Nation Abenaki blood running through my veins (along with a variety or European blood)  I AM home!

But you are "just"...

I wonder if anyone out there gets tired of hearing :but you are "just" something, or anything along those lines.

I get that quite a bit and it has started really getting to me lately.

• You are just bipolar, it's nothing serious, nothing to worry about.  plus you have a mild version of it.  Funny, my psychiatrist and family doctor would quite disagree with that statement.

          I may make it look easy, I may make it look mild, but I work VERY hard at it.  My bipolar is mainly depression with the odd mild mania here and there.  However, my depressive episodes can be quite severe and debilitating.  When I get like that I hide it, I struggle but don't let it show as much as I can.  I get suicidal, everything becomes very dark and hopeless.  The cycles come quite often.  Now many who have this issue will take antidepressants to help take the edge off.  Due to my type of bipolar, I CANNOT take antidepressants, when I do, I become extremely manic, uncontrollably manic.  I may abhor my depressions but I FEAR the manias.  No matter what I will not touch antidepressants of any kind with a 10 foot pole.  Doctors have tried giving me strong mood stabilizers to try and reduce the manias but nothing seems to work.  The only way to get rid of the manias is to stop taking the antidepressants.  Doctors have tried to give me just mood stabilizers to help control the depressions,  I have taken anti-psychotics along with mood stabilizers, and none of it helps with the depression.  I have tried various therapies to try and change the way my mind thinks while in these episodes, again, they were not very helpful.  Therapists have told me that one of the reasons they don't help is that my depression has a strong situational component.  I need to change my circumstances.  As you know circumstances can't always be changed.  So I cope as best as I can, go on with my daily life and keep thinking it's just a phase, it will eventually taper off.  Some days it's the only thing that gets me out of bed and somewhat functional.

• You just have fibromyalgia, don't see why you can't do everything everybody else does.

          While my fibromyalgia may be milder than some other peoples, it is combined with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, making my exhaustion just that much more debilitating.  This whole post exertional malaise thing is putting a serious crimp in my lifestyle.  My condition is severe enough to qualify for disability, and many choose to go that way.  I have worked hard to pull myself out of poverty and am in no hurry to head back into it.  People on disability are very poor, I have chosen to keep working as long as I possibly can, no matter how hard it is on me or how exhausted I am all the time.  I go to work every day feeling worst than what would often justify my co-workers calling in sick.  I push through the brain fog.  When I get home after a full day of work I am completely drained.  As the week progresses, I "borrow" more and more energy from the next day so that by the time the weekend comes along I am completely at 0.  I need the whole weekend to recover somewhat to get ready for a new week.  While I have a lot of "catch up" needed on the housework front to do, it's very often not possible to get around to it.

• You just work in a call centre, it's not like it's a hard job talking on the phone all day.

           True, I don't have to stand on my feet all day, balance fragile objects, lift heavy things.  I am not responsible for controlling potentially dangerous things.  I also don't face danger and perilous situations on a daily basis.  When comparing to jobs like that, one could definitely say my job is "easy".  However, my job does not only entail talking on the phone all day.  And even if it were just that, it's not always very pleasant conversations.  Some of those conversations can be quite abusive, others challenging due to a variety of factors.  You'd be surprised how many people actually can't cut it in the client service industry.  Furthermore I also have non-phone work to do that involves complex analysis at times, attention to detail, ability to write complex concepts in clear and easy language in both official Canadian languages.  Try doing complex analysis while constantly being interrupted by the phone and being hit by particularly heavy brain fog.

• You just have osteoarthritis, I have it too, just take Tylenol and carry-on (usually said by an older person)

           I developed osteoarthritis at a very young age, I have had it for well over 20 years.  It's not in a few odd joints any longer, it's generalized.  I don't think I have any joint that is not affected by it any longer.  Some joints are still are mild, but others have progressed quite a bit in the last 20 some years.  Tylenol just doesn't cut it anymore.  Also you do have to be careful with long term use of over-the-counter pain relievers.  Long term heavy use of these products can cause some organ damage.  Even prescription pain relievers can also cause some organ damage, so it's best to try and not "abuse" them. Also I have pretty bad GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease) and many of the better meds are very harsh on the digestive system.  So all in all, it's best to cool it on the meds that help, but don't completely take away the pain.  Save it for the really bad days.

• You only have two kids, and they are mostly grown up, people with more kids and /or younger kids have it much harder.

          What can I say, it's true that I only have two kids and they are no longer toddlers requiring babysitting all the time.  However you kinda have to look at my particular context.  First  I am a single mom.  By that I mean there is no dad in the picture whatsoever.  Like at all.  Never has been.  No financial support, no weekends, nothing.  I don't have any sisters and for most of their life my family lived as close as 5 hours away by car. (mom 5 hours away, brother 8 hours away, dad 13 hours away). so not much family support with regards to stuff like babysitting (I did move close to my mom from 1999 to 2002 so I did get a break then, but it was a fair exchange, I helped her out quite a bit with the business she had then)  I only started working week day shifts in late 2003.  Up until then, my jobs consisted of low income shift work (including nights, weekends and holidays). That may no longer be the case, but we still carry the baggage of those years with us.  Then you have to consider the particular challenges I have with my children.  First my daughter was a victim of severe trauma as a child.  While she is a survivor, she did wind up with mental health issues that she has to this day. It's something I always have to be on the lookout for and take into consideration with any major life decisions.  I also have to weight how most things will affect her.  But it can't show.  It's important not to treat them as victims and to empower them every chance you get.  I slip at times.  Then my son, my miracle baby, the one I was not supposed to ever be able to have is special needs.  He is currently a teen, with teenage angst, but combined with a pervasive developmental delay, severe anxiety, and intense behavioral and emotional issues at times violent.  So he is 4 inches taller than me, at least 20 pounds heavier, muscled with little to no self regulation. He also has no empathy.  It's best to not leave him alone for more than 10 hours at a time.  With my daughter present I can leave him for up to 36 hours but 48 is really pushing it.  I can't send him to family or friends for a bit of time off because it requires quite a bit knowledge into his psychopathy and some training in order to be best able know what to do when his emotions become overwhelming.  Respite care is very expensive, not covered by insurance and only for a few days, barely time to recover. (Not that I can afford it anyway).  Needless to say this family dynamic is very difficult on my daughter and not helping her in any way.

For more information, you can read this post, this post from 2011 when he wasn't quite a teenager yet, and if you are interested in even more information, go ahead and read this post.

• Now something I don't get a whole lot of comments about (because very few people know about it) is my cardiomyopathy, if they knew, they would probably say it's "just" a mild heart condition.

          Since this particular condition of mine does not elicit comments as of yet, why am I including it in this post?  The reason I am is that when considering my life, one should not "just" take one element into consideration and decide what level of quality of life I may or not have solely based on one alone.  While it's true that my cardiomyopathy is not really very serious at this time, I have to be careful to keep it that way.  So I have to keep my blood pressure normal, my doctor has prescribed some meds to try and keep it stable, but I also have to make some changes to my diet and lifestyle.  One of the things I need to avoid is stress as stress elevates blood pressure and damages the heart muscle.  I also have to make sure my heart rate stays as stable as possible. Avoiding stress is a lot easier said than done, taking all the above into consideration, so I am doing the next best thing and trying to learn ways of better coping with stress as it is pretty much unavoidable.

I think that all in all I am not "just", and it would be pretty inaccurate to describe my life "easy".  (Yah this one person told me I was lucky to have had an easy life compared to her, Healthy her whole life, developed osteoarthritis at 65, had a husband who made good money, where she did not have to work and she and her kids were well provided for, he wasn't abusive but did have expectations of a clean home, ready meal and polite kids, her kids were of above average intelligence, healthy, active and pretty well behaved)

Believe it or not, while a lot of stuff was mentioned here, I really do not mean to complain.  there are so many ways it could be worst, and I am thankful for the positives I do have in my life.  After all I am employed in a job that pays well and has benefits.  I do live in a country without persecution and "free" health care.  I do not have an abusive partner and can still get around.  I can see the beauty (not blind) and can fully enjoy the best sounds available (not deaf).  Both my kids are mobile, can speak, hear and see.  Neither drink or do drugs. My allergies have subsided so I can have pets and there nothing quite like the unconditional love of a pet.  I also have been truly blessed with some amazing people in my life (I'd start naming names but with the friggin brain fog I might leave some out, I think you know who you are anyway).

Thank you for taking the time to read 

As always, much appreciated