You've all heard that saying.
It's supposed to make one have the strength to keep going. It's supposed to show a person how strong they are and how much they have already overcome.
Some people think I am strong.
But I am not.
I am broken
In a million pieces
And I keep breaking more and more every day.
I have been pondering a lot for the last while if life has just been throwing too many challenges my way. There is a little voice in my head that is getting louder and louder saying "I can't take it anymore!" My therapist says that when we hear that voice we have to listen to it and make the changes needed to stop those things that the little voice say have to stop.
But some of those things just can't be stopped. No change is possible. So it just keeps going on and one until when? What?
Being a single parent, sole source of income is not going to change.
Having a special needs teenager is not going to change.
Being ill, exhausted and in pain all the time is not going to change.
There are no options for sending my teenager away long enough to help me recover.
I can't stop working, finances would be impossible. I did it for a few months and it was tough, more than though. I took a work arrangement to have 5 weeks off, but it lowered my earnings, making things just that much harder.
My children don't understand the limits of my earning potential, the cost of living and the cost to my health.
It's like they think money grows on trees - for me - not for them of course,
Moms are supposed to be superhuman, capable of everything, with endless energy and strength. They are disappointed on me. I am not the mom they deserve. I am not, but then I don't think the best mom in the world is good enough. Even a mom with the help of a dad to do everything would not be enough. How can I possibly live up to that? I stopped trying. It's a mountain I have no chance of overcoming.
So often I sit crying, needing to find strength I don't have. Wishing some kind of help was available, but knowing there is nothing out there for me. Forcing myself to accept that I am alone and always will be.
So many things I want for myself, so many things I want to do, so many things I have had to give up or put off to never.
I don't know how much longer I can take any of this. Always being in pain, always being exhausted, rarely getting what I want, or need.
Well meaning wonderful loving people suggest things that would help. Stuff to reduce stress, take away pain, increase energy.
I CAN'T AFFORD THESE BEAUTIFUL SOLUTIONS! Getting regular massages, being followed by a naturopath, chiropractor etc... I am doing therapy but will have to stop that as well as 1. it not helping much and 2 I am struggling to be able to afford it.
They say improving my eating habits will help. Well the food is expensive and I simply DO NOT have the energy to prepare it.
NOBODY is going to give me the money I need, the money my son feels I should have to get him the things he wants.
NOBODY will prepare my meals for me, help me clean, help me take care of my house.
NOTHING will ever change.
I am broken but nobody really cares. I am not worthy of having someone that cares. I am ugly and pointless. If I stop providing for others, there will no longer be any point to my existence.
I am not strong. I am broken. In a million, billion pieces.
