Hello All,
It's 2014, a brand new year.
Sorry for not coming to visit you more often, in fact it has been about 5 months or so.
You know how life is, it gets in the way of doing some things you want or should do. I have been slowly getting back to full time work and the adjustment to that has been taking most of my time and energy. I have been full time since December and it has made me so tired, what with it being winter and all. It has also been so cold around here that it has caused my CFS to flare something awful.
Another reason I have not been here is not that I have had nothing to say, it's more that I have had nothing "acceptable" to say. I have all these things inside of me, burning to come out but it is not acceptable to talk about them. Not here, not anywhere.
If I let it out, it might hurt people. Doesn't matter that keeping these things in is hurting me. As long as it doesn't hurt other people then that's OK My blog is no longer a safe place to let out my feelings or my thoughts.
It used to feel good to write here and let out in the universe my negative thoughts or feelings. To know that I could be "heard" by a stranger somewhere helped to unload the bad and focus on the better. But it's not only strangers reading my blog, and for that reason I needed to learn to shut up, to stop sharing, to keep things inside and not let go anymore.
Once I stopped sharing about the stuff that mattered, it seems like sharing the everyday stuff didn't seem very important or interesting for that matter so I stopped writing. Sorry for those who were interested in reading my blog, but it just could not be helped.
For the reasons stated above I think I will put my blog on hiatus until I can come back and share with you all something interesting. I don't know how long that will be.
Thanks to those who have taken the time to read.
January 5, 2014
August 27, 2013
The End Of Summer
Hello Everyone!
We are almost at the end of August and this means it's the end of a few things.
For one thing, the way the weather has been going lately in my part of the world, it looks like summer will be ending a little earlier than usual this year. The nights are already quite a bit cooler, which is great for sleeping!
Unfortunately, even though I sleep better, I am still tired. I don't understand it.
Another thing that is ending (sorta) is my working part-time. As of September, my hours will be slowly increasing so that by winter I will be working full-time. I am of two minds reegarding this. On one hand, I can't help but see this as a good thing as I will have more time to do my work. I have honestly been feeling a little overwhelmed but the quantity of work that I have been doing. You see I am trying to fit in a full day of work in half the time and sometimes, that is a little bit much for me. Also, since I have trouble focussing and staying on track, I have to do my work a little slower, well a lot slower on some days. So having more time to do my work has to be a good thing.
On the other hand, I am still tired and still get some really bad days (like yesterday for example). I don't know how being at work for longer periods of time will affect me. Will I be able to take care of my home, I barely can do it now.
The thing is this part-time gig is all about my depression, which has gotten better and none of it is about my Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue Syndrome, which seems to have gotten worst over the last couple of months. So bases soley on my depression, I am quite ready to take on more work for sure.
My Therapies have also come to a close. They have not been as helpful as I was hoping. I have been participating full on but I think my depression has more to do than my thought patterns, they are situational too. The meds I have been taking, especially since the last increase have been helping the depression more than the therapies. I can honetly say, mood wise, that I am now having more good days then bad. The last tie my mood went really bad was when one of our foster kitties passed away from Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIPS) about a month ago. I still very much miss him.
We are almost at the end of August and this means it's the end of a few things.
For one thing, the way the weather has been going lately in my part of the world, it looks like summer will be ending a little earlier than usual this year. The nights are already quite a bit cooler, which is great for sleeping!
Unfortunately, even though I sleep better, I am still tired. I don't understand it.
Another thing that is ending (sorta) is my working part-time. As of September, my hours will be slowly increasing so that by winter I will be working full-time. I am of two minds reegarding this. On one hand, I can't help but see this as a good thing as I will have more time to do my work. I have honestly been feeling a little overwhelmed but the quantity of work that I have been doing. You see I am trying to fit in a full day of work in half the time and sometimes, that is a little bit much for me. Also, since I have trouble focussing and staying on track, I have to do my work a little slower, well a lot slower on some days. So having more time to do my work has to be a good thing.
On the other hand, I am still tired and still get some really bad days (like yesterday for example). I don't know how being at work for longer periods of time will affect me. Will I be able to take care of my home, I barely can do it now.
The thing is this part-time gig is all about my depression, which has gotten better and none of it is about my Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue Syndrome, which seems to have gotten worst over the last couple of months. So bases soley on my depression, I am quite ready to take on more work for sure.
My Therapies have also come to a close. They have not been as helpful as I was hoping. I have been participating full on but I think my depression has more to do than my thought patterns, they are situational too. The meds I have been taking, especially since the last increase have been helping the depression more than the therapies. I can honetly say, mood wise, that I am now having more good days then bad. The last tie my mood went really bad was when one of our foster kitties passed away from Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIPS) about a month ago. I still very much miss him.
May 13, 2013
Working Part-Time and Still Exhausted
Hello dear readers!
How is everyone?
Well I am working part-time since January. I was supposed to be part-time only for about 3 months or so but as I am not doing as well as expected it has been prolonged till August.
In a previous post, I discussed how I don't have interests in much, well that is still going on.
I also have a really hard time focusing. But most of all I am just so friggin tired! And when you are tired, well it causes a whole lot of other issues right?
I read up on ways to become less tired. Mostly I have to sleep better, so to help I try to avoid caffeinated products past noon. Caffeine can have a half life of up to 5 hours! That means that it can still have a strong enough effect on you 8 hours after having consumed it. I read that I should stop using caffeine altogether, but lets be realistic here, there is no way I would be able to work, drive or do anything really during the withdrawal period. So the next best thing is being strategic about my intake as much as I can.
Another suggestion is to do more exercise. So I have taken up taking at least one walk per day. The walk succeeds in making me tired and it does help me fall asleep. It does not help me stay asleep all night, nor does it help me sleep well. I often don't feel like taking a walk because I am tired and my legs just are not being very cooperative. I recently even tripped on my own feet and almost fell flat on my face. Boy that would have hurt.
One of the things that could help me stay asleep is if the nighttime pain was reduced. Well the gabapentin that I am taking for my mood was helping for a while but it seems to no longer be helping. Most over the counter pain medications don't last through the night. So I am waiting for the rheumatologist referral to find a better way to manage the pain. That referral was done quite a while ago. I was told it should only take seven months but it has already been longer than that. Or has it? When you are waiting, sometimes it seems like forever. I know the referral was done sometime before the winter holidays. I think it was done before I went on sick leave. If it was then it definitely has been more than 7 months as I went on sick leave in early October 2012.
I am doing group therapy and taking a class to help manage my depression but the added effort these require make me more tired. They both have "homework" and the therapy has much more homework to do than the class. I have to read chapters of a book which I find extremely difficult to do. I also have to fit in extra activities in my week for each of the groups which is not always easy. Some people have already quit the groups and sometimes I wonder if I should not quit at least one of them. I may be pushing myself too hard in my attempt to get out of my depression that the chronic fatigue and the fibro are flaring.
But I am afraid that if I quit one of the groups that it may have a neagtive influence on my insurance. I would not be able to work only part-time and take these groups and spend so much time working on getting better if the insurance was not helping me financially.
Stress is also not good for getting a good night's rest. Though in all honestly, I really don't think I am that stressout lately. Sure I get overwhelmed by my lack of ability to focus but I am not really stressed.
I think I will leave it at that for now. Thanks for reading as always!
How is everyone?
Well I am working part-time since January. I was supposed to be part-time only for about 3 months or so but as I am not doing as well as expected it has been prolonged till August.
In a previous post, I discussed how I don't have interests in much, well that is still going on.
I also have a really hard time focusing. But most of all I am just so friggin tired! And when you are tired, well it causes a whole lot of other issues right?
I read up on ways to become less tired. Mostly I have to sleep better, so to help I try to avoid caffeinated products past noon. Caffeine can have a half life of up to 5 hours! That means that it can still have a strong enough effect on you 8 hours after having consumed it. I read that I should stop using caffeine altogether, but lets be realistic here, there is no way I would be able to work, drive or do anything really during the withdrawal period. So the next best thing is being strategic about my intake as much as I can.
Another suggestion is to do more exercise. So I have taken up taking at least one walk per day. The walk succeeds in making me tired and it does help me fall asleep. It does not help me stay asleep all night, nor does it help me sleep well. I often don't feel like taking a walk because I am tired and my legs just are not being very cooperative. I recently even tripped on my own feet and almost fell flat on my face. Boy that would have hurt.
One of the things that could help me stay asleep is if the nighttime pain was reduced. Well the gabapentin that I am taking for my mood was helping for a while but it seems to no longer be helping. Most over the counter pain medications don't last through the night. So I am waiting for the rheumatologist referral to find a better way to manage the pain. That referral was done quite a while ago. I was told it should only take seven months but it has already been longer than that. Or has it? When you are waiting, sometimes it seems like forever. I know the referral was done sometime before the winter holidays. I think it was done before I went on sick leave. If it was then it definitely has been more than 7 months as I went on sick leave in early October 2012.
I am doing group therapy and taking a class to help manage my depression but the added effort these require make me more tired. They both have "homework" and the therapy has much more homework to do than the class. I have to read chapters of a book which I find extremely difficult to do. I also have to fit in extra activities in my week for each of the groups which is not always easy. Some people have already quit the groups and sometimes I wonder if I should not quit at least one of them. I may be pushing myself too hard in my attempt to get out of my depression that the chronic fatigue and the fibro are flaring.
But I am afraid that if I quit one of the groups that it may have a neagtive influence on my insurance. I would not be able to work only part-time and take these groups and spend so much time working on getting better if the insurance was not helping me financially.
Stress is also not good for getting a good night's rest. Though in all honestly, I really don't think I am that stressout lately. Sure I get overwhelmed by my lack of ability to focus but I am not really stressed.
I think I will leave it at that for now. Thanks for reading as always!
April 23, 2013
Loss of interests makes life boring
You all know that I have been suffering from depression for a while now
In fact, some of you know that I sank pretty darn low at some point.
The good news is that I am technically better, I am no longer on the brink of death. I have to admit that this blog, even though I have been somewhat quiet in the last little while has been partially responsible for my imporving.
An audience, no matter how small can make a difference, no matter what my occupational therapist was telling me.
The bad news is that I seem to have plateaued in my recovery. Furthermore, my symptoms seem to have morphed into a new animal, but still depression.
On one hand I have become terribly confused and lost. It's like my brain has taken a vacation and forgot to come back. This may be a side effect of my medications. I cannot focus and concentrate and I struggle to do what used to be so easy and simple.
On the other hand I have lost interest in so many things.
Former things that brought me joy, even small joy bring me nothing but boredom.
Things like:
Anyone have any suggestions or advice on how I can gain pleasure again?
Thanks for reading.
In fact, some of you know that I sank pretty darn low at some point.
The good news is that I am technically better, I am no longer on the brink of death. I have to admit that this blog, even though I have been somewhat quiet in the last little while has been partially responsible for my imporving.
An audience, no matter how small can make a difference, no matter what my occupational therapist was telling me.
The bad news is that I seem to have plateaued in my recovery. Furthermore, my symptoms seem to have morphed into a new animal, but still depression.
On one hand I have become terribly confused and lost. It's like my brain has taken a vacation and forgot to come back. This may be a side effect of my medications. I cannot focus and concentrate and I struggle to do what used to be so easy and simple.
On the other hand I have lost interest in so many things.
Former things that brought me joy, even small joy bring me nothing but boredom.
Things like:
- reading
- playing games online
- doing crossword puzzles
- the satisfaction of a clean house (or something like it, my house is never clean)
- cooking
- baking
- taking a walk
- drawing
- crafting
- taking a drive
- shopping
- blogging
- etc.
Anyone have any suggestions or advice on how I can gain pleasure again?
Thanks for reading.
April 16, 2013
Motorcycles and Bicycles
If there is one thing that makes me nervous, even worst, that scares me is motorcycles and bicycles on the road.
I am so afraid I will hit one of them no matter how hard I work at being careful around them.
They seem to appear out of nowhere, behind me, beside me.
And I look, I do.
They are so small and hide in my blind spot so very well.
Days where there is rain or winter when it's snowing, they are not there and with good tires and a well running car, I much rather drive that beautiful summer days where they are out in full force.
If I have an accident for some reason during a thunderstorm or during a snow storm, all those involved are encase in steel and somewhat safe.
A person on a bike, whether it be bicycle or motorbike has no such protection. They can die so easily, or like a former friend of mine get very very hurt.
Anyway just thought I would share.
Thanks for reading.
I am so afraid I will hit one of them no matter how hard I work at being careful around them.
They seem to appear out of nowhere, behind me, beside me.
And I look, I do.
They are so small and hide in my blind spot so very well.
Days where there is rain or winter when it's snowing, they are not there and with good tires and a well running car, I much rather drive that beautiful summer days where they are out in full force.
If I have an accident for some reason during a thunderstorm or during a snow storm, all those involved are encase in steel and somewhat safe.
A person on a bike, whether it be bicycle or motorbike has no such protection. They can die so easily, or like a former friend of mine get very very hurt.
Anyway just thought I would share.
Thanks for reading.
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