The last little while I have been a little hummm I guess busy is the word?
But it's not really busy, yes there has been some of that but it's also some pain and some tiredness.
Last weekend in Canada, we did the time change, we turned the clock back one hour. Even though on Monday waking up an hour early seemed like nothing and the day went well, from Tuesday on, the adjustment didn't work so well. To make matters worst, on Monday night I had forgotten to take my Gabapentin, so I had trouble falling asleep, and had trouble getting up in the morning. It also means that on Tuesday I was in quite a bit of pain.
Bit --- of -- pain OK, maybe it was a tad more than a bit.... My legs were hurting so much that the act of driving home from work, pressing on the gas, breaks and clutch pedals had me on the brink of tears by the time I got home. I had my daughter help me make supper.
Oh! --- before I forget! Last weekend, my son helped me with the dishes, without being asked or told to, he just DID! He seems to be a tad more aware in the last two weeks or so. He helped me a lot with some shopping I did for work and last night he helped putting the groceries away, (doing all the running up and down stairs) even though he had not really taken his pills is two/three days and was a little moody/aggressive. He took his meds last night and hopefully he is back on track. It seems like he is following a bit in his sister's footsteps as far as Teen drama is concerned.
So yeah. the last little while I have been trying to avoid stress, try to manage my pain and tiredness, do my job which included training a new employee (if you can call what I did training... I share some information and digressed a lot....)
I did cook a bit, made meatloaf (that was not quite right, I forgot to put in a valuable ingredient, but it did get fully eaten anyway) and made some pretty nifty spaghetti sauce. Kids were loving that. I bought a lot of food this time round so maybe I'll "cook" more over the next few weeks. I am trying to teach my kids economics. If they understand the concept of saving money, it will help all of us.
Last night I watched the first episode of Oprah's Life Class. I had already signed up and tried doing the lesson by myself a few weeks ago but had not fully understood the scope of it. Last night I think I got it.
What is my ego? By what do I define myself? What are the things that are barriers to being me, to be worthy of love? Well like Oprah, I do have this weight thing going on. The self esteem associated to my weigth is definitely something that is holding me back. This will be the ego that might be the most difficult to let go. It is an ego that society has definitely helped build. I was listening on the radio this morning, they had a poll going on asking what people would prefer if they had a choice, get an extra $10 000 in debt or gain an extra 50 pounds. Would you believe that 70% of the respondents were choosing the debt? This is incredible to be. This is how fat is viewed as a bad thing and how society treats those with extra pounds. I am definitely part of that group and I was just discussing how poor Jessica Simpson will get crushed by the media once she gives birth.
The other part of my ego is possessions. (you might want to check my post about hoarding) I keep holding on to things and wanting to "get" things because I want to be defined by them. Like possessing more stuff, will make me a better person, more loveable. While watching Oprah last night I got an urge to purge... I could think of a whole bunch of things that I do not need, that I need to get rid of. The "just in case" mentality has to go. I have not used them since I bought them I do not need them... that is that. IF I have not used them in a few years I just may never need them anymore. I still have almost all the boxes from when I moved, I can easily fill them up again and bring these things to some donation place. This would be a good plan for this weekend. Just might help me get rid of those strangling boxes a little everywhere in my house that I don't know what to do with them. Watching the Oprah class last night really made me aware about this "sick" need to possess, to earn, to be defined by the things I have. By the way, being defined as a hoarder is not exacly a good thing.
A third aspect to my ego (and my mom just hates when I talk about it) is my intelligence. I need to be, to feel more intelligent that the average human. (and often fail - ergo my depression) I do have (or had) a higher than average I.Q. So do my children and my brothers. I derived an abnormal amount of pride in that simple fact. That is not good. Even though I have (or had) a "high I.Q." it has not made me a better person in any way. It has not made me any more successful that a person with an average or lower than average I.Q. It has not make me more loveable as I am single and can't be in a relationship. I am not better functioning, nor doI understand anything a little better. I must stop being offended when people assume I will not understand.
I think that these life classes just might be the key. I will progress slowly, but I hope one day to be able to say like Jane Fonda that I am whole.
Well that's what I have been up to, thanks for reading!
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