Being fat or being thin...

In my life, I have been fat and I have been thin.


I much rather be thin thanks you, but right now I am fat and I have been unable to loose weight, fact I keep gaining.


When you are thin, people are much nicer to you.  They behave like you are smarter and deserve good things.  They offer you dessert, cream and sugar for your coffee.


When you are thin, you deserve love.  People want to be around you.


When you are fat, it's because you are stupid.  People feel honour bound to let you know that you are fat, just in case you missed it the last time you were shopping in the fat people section.  Fat people don't deserve love and it's perfectly OK to make fun of them, to tease them to discuss how disgusting they are, just because they are fat.


My counselor thinks that "portion control" will fix my fatness problem.  She is not willing to hear that I got fat with portion control.


When I was thin I starved myself to be thin.  I was bulimic and possibly even anorexic.  My digestive system was so screwed up and that had trouble keeping food in.  I was active and loved doing all kinds of activities.


When I was thin I saw a fat woman in the mirror and hated myself.  (Imagine how I feel now!)  People however were much more willing to accept me.  I was pretty, I was acceptable.


Oh who am I joking, when I was thin, all the guys wanted to screw me, use me and throw me away. Now that I am fat, I don't have that kind of problem.

Now that I am fat, if I eat desserts I get asked if I really need it.  I get praise if I eat carrots, cucumbers and celery.


I need to do more exercise, but I think there is a bit more wrong with me than just eating too much and being inactive.


Things started to go very bad after I quit smoking.  I became short of breath, my heartbeat has been progressively speeding up and I've been getting chest pains.  This is AFTER I quit smoking, and of course the massive weight gain.


When I take the bus, people don't want to sit next to me because I am so fat and disgusting.  I have trouble getting to the door on a crowded bus because there is just no room.  At restaurants I am squished.


Forget about dressing nicely for cheap, not gonna happen.  Clothes don't fit right and everything looks horrible.


My face has blown up to gross proportions.  There is no a hairstyle on this earth that can help this ugliness look any better.  I have seen gorgeous woman with round proportions, but I am UGLY with all this fat around me features


People tell me I should love myself as I am.  Easy to see when they are not stuck looking at this crap in the mirror everyday  Well don;t worry, I try to look in mirrors as little as possible.




It would be nice to have a doctor who was willing to entertain the idea that there might be another reason why I am so fat other than eating too much and exercising too little.  The way that I eat now and my activity level does need improvement, but I have trouble believing they are solely to blame.


Maybe all those drugs they gave me for years to control those manias I wasn't prone to have.  Maybe they did something... who knows?


Maybe starving myself all those years are really why my health is now so screwed up?


Yeah I know I should take responsibility for being so fat.  I think the horrible feeling I get every time I eat and how guilty I feel every time I take the car for something that is less that a mile away might be me acknowledging that I am not helping myself.


Every pain that I feel from morning to night is my body telling me that I am a slob...




Where do I go from here?


Thanks for reading!


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