Still Alive

Hello people, those of you that read me regularly...


Is there even such a thing?

Just wanted to let you all know I am still alive (those of you that are my facebook friends already know this)

I have not been feeling the greatest over the last few weeks.  I am extremely exhaustable, little energy that it takes me everything I have to survive a day and go to work.

The weekends are me simply trying to get a little done around the home and recuperating for the weeks ahead.

Blasted I barely even play my games as I am even too tired to do even that!

I watch TV, try to read but can't focus on the story.

I am not even sure I could tell you the storyline of an episode I just watched.

BTW, that Magnum commercial....

Could they have at least used an actress that obviously enjoyed things like chocolate, ice cream and caramel???

By the looks of this chick (Rachel Bilson) I doubt she has had any of the above for several years!!!!!

This does not make there commercial very believable...  A better choice might have been America Ferrera or Kelly Clarkson.  At least they look like they have eaten something more than lettuce in the last decade. 

Most skinny people do not consume desserts people! This commercial just insults my intelligence.

Thanks for reading.

American Express --Lousy Customer Service....

So, American Express is calling me several times a day on my cell phone and at home. don't leave a message. I call them back and they transfer me to the debt collection department. The guy tells me that I am over 60 days late making a payment... This shocked me as I was supposed to have a large credit on my account and it should have paid any charges I could have put on it since February. Turns out that fraudulent charges had not been cancelled as expected and with charges made in March (payable April 7) Put me in owing...


We are May 18th, April 7th to May 18th is not over 60 days as he claimed. Anyways, I try to explain to him how I do not owe anything due to fraudulent charges... all he wants is a commitment to pay... he's been calling me every 2 hours today to get me to pay..., little excessive. Anyway exasperated that he will not listen to reason I finally hang up on him. I get home and call their client service department to investigate why the fraudulent charges had not been debited to my account yet... They did find the initial claim but it got lost in translation. Finally the adjustment is done and get this they owe ME money. So I am 45 days late in paying what they owe me so they send me to collections and call me every two hours. They lost my business.... I am quite amazed I actually kept my cool....


 Now should I call back the collections guy (next week) and ask him what I should commit to pay????

Accepting the Real World.

I love living in my dream land.

I think I may love it too much.  I get annoyed when my real life interferes with my dream land.

I have to work at accepting the real world and then making the most of it.

But I love my dream land.  I really really do.

In my dream land I have enough money to transform my environment to just what I like.  See this previous post for some ideas on that.

In my dream land I have enough energy to do a lot of the work that needs to be done to get my environment to where I what it.  See this post for more information.

In my dream land I have more time to dedicate to the things I love.  I work less (cause I can afford to work only part-time and have more vacations) and since I have no such thing as fibro, I need to rest less, sleep less thereby giving me all that extra time.

Also in my dream land I loose weight.  I become thin and beautiful again.  I become lovable and enjoyable.  I can do all the physical activities I like without looking weird, I can eat foods I like without getting that look they give fat people who eat fattening stuff.

In my dream land I can draw and paint beautifully.  I can also sing any song I like without causing people pain.  (My notes are not always representative of what they should be).

Every time I look at something, I see the potential of what it could be.  I see the beauty hiding under the surface.  I just don't have the means to make them all that way.

Of course in my dream land my children are perfect.  They are perfect just like I am perfect. (Perfect in my dreams, not in real life by any stretch of the imagination)

In my dream land I have the perfect lover.  Yes this might surprise some people that I dream of a relationship when I am so adamant of not wanting one in real life.

I don't want a relationship in real life because I am disgusted with myself.  I cannot be an equal and worthy partner hating myself like I do.  I am also much too fussy.  I do not want to be with a person who would be satisfied with what I am.  A person who would want me can't help but be a slob if he doesn't mind my messy home, he would not be very fit or take very well care of himself. He'd have to be a reflection of me to be satisfied with me.  I hate me, I disgust me, so I don't want a mate that is like me. So I do not want a relationship.  Makes sense right?

Back to my dream land.  Everything is so wonderful there, I hate emerging to face reality.  Reality is not fun.  It's full of work, pain, responsibilities, problems, disappointments and so on and so forth.

Thanks for reading!

FM & CFS Are Not Progressive

Raise your hand those of you that have read or hear a doctor say that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are not progressive.

These are conditions that you wake up one day and have, full blown and they don't go away.

It doesn't develop in severity.

I am not too sure about that and a few people with these conditions would agree with me.

I have noticed for a long time that things were not quite right.  I got a diagnosis of CFS in 2006 for the first time and FM in 2008(?)

When I started asking doctors to tell me what was wrong with me, I was definitely not feeling great (in 1998).  Would follow tests to try and determine what was wrong, why my legs were getting weaker, why I was always so tired, why there was pain.  I went to see all kinds of specialists to check my nervous system, my bones my brain.  Always nothing.

But I kept getting worst.  Yes worst, so much for non-progressing.  There are times when I would feel much better.  I could get "vacations" for a few months at a time.  But always, eventually the exhaustion came back, and every time it came back it was worst.

Over the years, many people have considered me lazy.  I am not a good housekeeper, never have been so my house has never been very presentable.  As the kids grew and became messier, the house has progressively gotten worst.  As I have gotten worst the house has gotten worst, so obviously I am lazy.

I can assure you that when this journey began, however years ago, I did not feel anywhere near as horrid as I do today.  I might always have been lazy but maybe not as lazy as I am now.

I have pretty much figured out that gaining weight has been a huge factor in making things worst.  Since I have gained a lot of weight and continue gaining no matter what I do, I am worst.  If I manage to lose weight maybe it will hurt less and I will be less tired. It's just that I don't know how to lose weight.  Everything I have tried is failing.

The problem is I can't get enough exercise to balance out my calorie intake.   CFS patients can't tolerate traditional exercise routines. Exercise programs aimed at increasing aerobic capacity are not recommended.
The majority of people with CFS are affected by post-exertional malaise, which is defined as intensifying of symptoms following physical or mental exertion, with symptoms typically worsening 12-48 hours after activity and lasting for days or even weeks.  This leads to serious deconditioning and can actually worsen other symptoms. It is also important not to engage in an endless "push-crash" cycle in which patients do too much when they feel better, crash, rest, start to feel a little better, do too much again, and so on.

The problem is that basic activities of daily living tend to push me in a "push-crash" cycle.  Any exercise I do manage to squeeze in is not enough to burn the necessary calories to lose weight.

Eat less.  It seems like if I stopped eating I would still gain weight, so I don't know anymore...  According to this calculator online, I need to eat less than 2200 calories a day.  A sample of a diet at 2200 calories can be found here.  Seems like a lot of food to me.
Anyways, enough about the whining.