So Many Plans, So Many Things I Want To Do.

This weekend, I enjoyed myself.

I did not go out, I stayed in and modified things I had.

OK I did go out on Sunday and spend money I didn't have but that is just a small part of what I did.

I miss crafting. I miss being artistic.  I miss being able to modify things around me, to create a bit of beauty.

I have so many plans, so many things I would like to do.

To name a few:

· Help my daughter repaint and decorate the furniture in her room.

· Paint the washroom in the basement

· Paint my son's room, this includes painting the furniture in his room to make everything match 

· Paint the tables in the living room, make them decorative.  They currently look like used and old 80's type furniture, they need to be upgraded.

· Paint the dining room and the shelving in the dining room, get artistic

· Paint the kitchen, give it a country look.  Organize it, make it ultra-functional

· Change and organize the entry.

· Do some crafts with the mason jars

· Make fabric picture frames

· Repaint my bedroom furniture

I have so many more things I want to do, I want to apply mouldings, I want to create all kinds of things.

A few things are holding me back

· Time

· Energy

· Ability

· Money

Time is the biggest thing I need.  If I had the time I would have to much of my plans and projects done!

Some say that I have time, I after all only spend 11 hours a day working, at my job and I have the weekend off, that means I have a whole two days during the weekend and at least 3-4 hours a night!  Of course I have time.

Well I have laundry to do, I need to clean the house sometimes, I need to clean myself sometimes too!

Every once in a while I need to cook. I also need to do some errands.  These do take away some time, but even so I should have access to an hour or so a night plus a few hours every weekend, PLENTY of time

They are right.  I can't deny it...

Energy is the next culprit.  When I do have time, I often find myself too exhausted. 

I also find myself with little motivation or my creative juices are not flowing.  I wish I could still have a whole lot of energy after work, like I once had.   I have no endurance. If I had more energy I could put the time I do have to much better use.

Some nights I do find myself to be able to do more.  Mostly though, by the time I leave work, I am fully drained.  In winter, when I leave work and dusk has fallen or is falling, it worst. Then if I have to scrape my car, drive in bad road conditions, everything I am is exhausted. By the time I get home, I am often too tired to even cook.  I scrounge up food to feed myself as best as I can, sometimes not even able to feed the children.  (Mind you I have pretty much given up on feeding the children.  When I bother to try am make a meal, one or the other or both will not eat it.  My son will have already eaten and not be hungry or he won't like it, my daughter will either not like it or not bother to come home and not tell me.  The food will stay on the stove to rot for days and finally I will throw it out)

I once tried to describe myself to someone who had no idea what Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue were.  I asked her to think of us as rechargeable batteries.  I said she was a fully functioning rechargeable battery and that a long time ago, I was also a fully functioning battery.  In the last few years, I became damaged and could no longer charge at full capacity.  These days, on a good day I only charged up to half, while on a bad day I was charged at no more than a quarter.

Yet even though I work at a lesser charge, people still expect me to function at full capacity and then some!

 Ability is also a barrier.  I am no longer as thin, as fit as coordinated as I used to be.  I am also no longer as strong nor as fast.  I don't have the dexterity anymore to either hold little things (like beads).

I need help to do stuff I used to be perfectly able to do by myself before.  My results are no longer as nice as they used to be because my hands shake.  The lines are no longer straight.  I cannot reproduce the images I see in my mind, nor can I explain then to someone else if they would be willing to help me reproduce my vision. 

I can't carry or lift or push.  I can't hold.

They say focus on the things I can do.  I can type! So I do.

Thanks for reading!

Lovely Side Effects

I have a dilemma...

I have just discovered something about my favorite meds.  Something that is not good.

If any of you have read my other posts, you know that I live with a lot of pain and tend to be pretty tired.

My psychiatrist prescribed Gabapentin to help with my depression (associated to my bipolar).  I have not seen a positive effect on the mood but I had seen such a positive effect on the pain and the sleeping that I have to say I love this pill.  It takes at least 50% of my pain and exhaustion away.

Because I've been telling my psychiatrist that I have not been seeing any effect on my moods, I have been telling her I am still very depressed, even mentioned last time that I was tired of waiting for things to get better, that I was thinking about ending it more and more, she has been increasing the dosage.

I had run out of pills recently and I noticed that yes the pain was bad, I had headaches, I was feeling really awful physically, could not sleep, BUT the suicidal thought went away.  Even though things were worst, technically.

I also noticed that while on Gabapentin I don't seem to have IBS, and when I forget the IBS comes on full force.  This morning I decided to go see if Gabapentin has some effect on the digestive system, more specifically an effect similar to bran.... if you know what I mean....

On Wikipedia, I did find this reference:

Gastrointestinal side effects of very high doses of gabapentin are extremely common. Profuse diarrhea is common with doses of gabapentin exceeding 4800 mg at a time, or perhaps more over the course of a day. It is likely that the large quantities of binders and fillers in gabapentin tablets cause diarrhea, although the sheer volume of the alkaloid itself needed to produce recreational effects may irritate the GI tract causing the diarrhea

I don't have profuse diarrhea, nor am I at anything near 4800mg.  Just so you know... but there is a correlation to "regularity"

While reading I also saw these passages:

Negative

Gabapentin has been prescribed in the mental health context. Numerous trials show that it is not effective alone as a mood-stabilizing treatment for bipolar disorder and so has no therapeutic advantage in having fewer side-effects over better established bipolar drugs such as lithium and valproic acid. Gabapentin is useful in the treatment of anxiety associated with bipolar disorder, but has limited usefulness in disorders such as social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, in treatment-resistant depression, and for insomnia.^[22][23]

Also:

Suicide

Gabapentin has been associated with an increased risk of suicidal acts or violent deaths.^[31] In 2009, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a warning of an increased risk of depression and suicidal thoughts and behaviors in patients taking gabapentin, along with other anticonvulsant drugs^[32] modifying the packaging insert to reflect this.^[25] In July 2009, the manufacturer of gabapentin (Pfizer) went to trial regarding the association between gabapentin and the increased risk of suicide.^[33] 

Furthermore:

Although some small, non-controlled studies in the 1990s – mostly sponsored by gabapentin's manufacturer – suggested that gabapentin treatment for bipolar disorder may be promising,^[18] other more recent and better controlled studies have found it to be no more effective (and in one study, slightly less effective) than placebo.^[55] Subsequent to the corporate acquisition of the original patent holder, the pharmaceutical company Pfizer admitted that there had been violations of FDA guidelines regarding the promotion of unproven off-label uses for gabapentin in the Franklin v. Pfizer case. In addition, the FDA black box warning states: "Antiepileptic drugs (AEDs), including Neurontin, increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior in patients taking these drugs for any indication."^[56]

I know, Wikipedia cannot be taken as a "reliable source" This information is also confirmed by Drugs.com, rxlist.com and the FDA.  Starting to look pretty valid to me.

So this medication has been the only one so far that has helped with my fibromyalgia more than hindered but it may be the factor to me recent suicidal tendencies.

She has started me on small doses of Abilify.  I fear this will make me gain even more weight.  The Abilify may help take away the suicidal factor..  Mind you it has also been linked to increased suicidal thoughts...

Can nothing help the depression and pain????


Thanks for reading...

Falling Through the Cracks

Do you ever get the impression that you are falling though the cracks in the system?  Like you just don't fit?

I've been forever getting that impression for the services I need and for the ones my son needs.

Falling through the crack

I have recently found out that my son qualifies as autistic.  As such there are many programs out there available.  Mostly they focus on the younger years (4 and up) as early intervention is key to development.

Unfortunately, when these services would have been needed and a godsend, they were not available to me as my son did not have a proper diagnosis.

The system did not have the means necessary to provide a proper diagnosis, they gave him other labels which did not quite fit and were not enough.  Some of those labels became self fulfilling prophesies due to the lack of proper diagnosis and lack of proper services.

They told me that he was ADHD and nothing more, yet he did not behave like "just an ADHD" child.  When he started acting out because of the bullying and his inability to adjust to the system, they said he was ODD.

But when he got the ODD diagnosis, he did not behave like an ODD child (except at school where he was in crisis at all times)

The whole time I kept insisting that there was something more.  I thought maybe it was bipolar at it's early stages, maybe a bit of giftedness as he did show some particular aptitudes beyond children his age.  It never occurred to me that he might have a learning disability.  It also did not occur to school personnel until he was 13 and his learning disability showed up during other evaluations.  He was coping so well, due in part to his giftedness.

As a gifted autistic child with a learning disability he could and should have had services available to him in school, adapted to his particular needs.  He could and should have had services in the community to help him develop and adapt to society better, but due to lack of resources in our medical community and my lack of funds to have him assessed in the private sector, everything that was could and should have been available to him were not and he fell through the cracks.  I think there were a lot of services not made available to me because I was a single mother who worked. (Less time energy and no back-up)  By not being on welfare I did not qualify for the assistance to get some of the diagnosis done, but I did not make enough money to pay for it.

When he was 13 and we were almost at the end of our rope, they finally suggested that consult with a private firm for a full assessment.  By this time I also had the money to do so.  We finally got an explanation and access to the autism spectrum services.

BUT

He is now too old for most services, too aggressive for others, I now make too much money for assistance yet don't have enough to pay for them.  He is too un-adapted for some places yet too independent for others.   He is too much this but not enough that for any services that are available.  If he fits, it costs too much for me to afford and I can't qualify for financial assistance as I make too much money.

Falling through the cracks again.

Then there is my daughter and financial assistance for school.  She is also falling through the cracks.  When she was growing up, I was too poor to put much money away for her.  Lets face it, when your annual income is $13, 000, you can barely keep food in your kid's mouth and clothes on their backs.  $10 a month seems like a lot.  Per child!  I know i I had not been smoking I would have had more money to put aside, but still not a whole lot.

When she applied for financial assistance, they looked at my CURRENT income and decided I made too much money for her to qualify.  Of course if I had been making this amount of money for YEARS, and bought a house when you could buy one for $45, 000 instead of $180, 000, it would have been easier for me to put money aside AND also have enough money now to help her out with her studies.  Unfortunately I have only been making decent money for the last 5 years (above poverty level).  During those years, rather than   putting money aside, I helped out another single mom, then got stuck with a massive tax bill due to someone else's fraud.  Even though I made more money during those years, I still could not put much money aside.  THEN she went to university.

Falling though the cracks.

As for myself.  I am too healthy for disability programs (according to doctors I have seen so far) yet too disabled to live a full happy life.  I don't qualify for various assistance because I am either too rich or not disabled enough.

I need help cleaning up after my son, I need him to have some therapy or training to better control his obsessions and emotions and to wash himself.  I don't need someone to take him out for 3 hours a week, I need someone to come here 3 hours a week and help me with his laundry and cleaning his room.

I need someone to help me do dishes at least once a week and help me vacuum.  I am not asking because I am lazy, I am asking because between work, my son's inability (or unwillingness) to clean, my daughter's difficulty with picking up and my exhaustion and pain, taking care of all of that is beyond me.

These services are not available for someone like me as I am not disabled enough, make too much money and my son is not severely autistic enough, too violent and too old.

Falling through the cracks again.

Thanks for reading.

If I Had a MIllion Dollars

The Barenaked Ladies released this song about what he would do if he had a million dollars.

Every once in a while I think about what i would do if I had a million dollars.

Somethings never change, but some do...

Some things are taken off the list not because I have it or done it, but some other things because more important at the time.

A CBT I was seeing told me to stop thinking of what I would do because it contributes to my depression.  I feel it takes me away from my depression while I dream.  I have lottery tickets in my purse, they are due to be checked but I always take a long time to check them because as long as I don't know I can keep dreaming...

So what would I do if I had a million dollars?

Well lets see (in no particular order):

• I would pay off my debts, credit cards, line of credit, car loan, mortgage
• I would renovate my house, new kitchen, knock down a wall here and there, new flooring, hardwood, tiles, some carpet, new doors, some paint here and there, shower in the basement...
• Do some redecorating, fix up the home office to be more functional.

Well there goes about $500,000.00 already....

• I would take a month off work and take a trip with the kids, two weeks Disney, two weeks Maritimes. (with mortgage paid I may take work with income averaging and stop working compressed. Let's face it if housing is 1/3 the cost, I can take better care of myself)
• Put a few K's aside for landscaping  (it's winter, I don't landscape in winter)  Some nice round edges, multilevel (cascade?) and a pond (I have a small front and back yard BUT I can still see some nice options)  I can see walls of planters in the back yard for the veggies and herbs.  Yes a wall built of planters one on top of the other with enough room in between for plants to grow, saw this in a Saigon design.

• I would ensure that my kids education is covered (to a point, we are not talking about 10 years of post secondary studies here it IS after all only 1 million, not 10)

The rest would be taken up with some smaller luxuries to help make my life better.  Make my home a haven.

What would you do with a million dollars?

Standing Up to the Grim Reaper

This weekend, after noticing that the kids had massively exceeded our Internet bandwidth (and continue to do so, I will be paying an extra 20-30 dollars this month) I decided to put on "paper" (Excel) the state of my finances.

I tallied up the incoming funds on one side and the minimum outgoing on the other side.

Not counting any extras at all, just the very of veriest basics, I have a shortfall of $500.00.

I am perfectly aware how it got this way.  None of it (other than buying the house) was being irresponsible on my part.

Unless the lottery tickets in my purse are worth $20,000.00 (which I doubt they are) there is no simple solution to my current problem.

Sure if I had a physician willing to recognise my current limitations, and even better, recognise them retroactive, that would help my finances, but that is another thing that is unlikely to happen.

Another thing that could help, would be to be approved for work accommodations (work from home a few days a week).  I have the perfect job for a work from home scenario.  I also have a home office which would allow me to work from home, but since it requires a physician and a flexibility from my workplace to allow such a thing, that will again not happen.  Working from home 3 days/week would save me about $150.00/month in parking charges and gas.  It would also give me an extra 6 hours /week free time.

All the things that could help will not happen.  Trust me I have tried, I am an expert at getting rejected for everything and anything.

So last night I was pondering it all, the pain - the finances- all the difficulties - the lack of enjoyment of life and I was ready to put an end to it.

I was sitting in bed with some razor blades trying to figure out the best way to slash my wrist to guarantee death.  You see I know that you have to cut not across but upwards for best results.  Also I know that if you hit some major nerves, it could cause damage to your ability to hold and grasp the blade to cut the other arm, possibly making you miss your attempt.  Furthermore, as my blood test show, I have deep, small rolling veins.  So finding a good vein to slash that will drain my blood fast enough to die quickly is another difficulty.

I used to think that I could not do it with my kids in the house, but my son and my daughter's boyfriend were in the living room downstairs.  Neither would have disturbed me while I was doing it.  My daughter was out with a friend and she may have stopped by my room when she came home but she was gone till quite late so that was not a problem.

So why am I here today, telling you this story?  Why am I not dead?



Gabriel A.K.A. Gabe-gabe

 Gabriel. 

I heard Gabriel running up the stairs, making that chittering/purring sound he makes when he "talks".  He ran straight into my room, jumped on my bed and started licking my hands and my face, purring...

Every once in a while he stopped and stared at something seemingly beside/above my bed.  He laid down on my chest and stretched his paws on each side of my face. He actually went under my covers to lie directly on my chest. His affections and his presence did help remove the urgent need to die.  He stayed with me for over an hour and did not want to leave when I got up to go get my pills.

Now Gabriel is a loving and affectionate cat.  He is prone to jumping on a person to cuddle and he does keep a sick person company, but this particular behaviour was out of character for him.  I have often wondered if he is ultra sensitive to auras or something of the like.  Last night while he was lying on me, and staring at nothing, I wondered if he was actually looking at something I could not see.  I also wondered what exactly made him run to me the way he did.

Some believe that when death is close, the grim reaper or the angel of death comes to you.  There have been various other similar beliefs through the ages.  They also say that animal companions are often more sensitive to beings who are not corporeal.

I can't help but wonder if Gabriel "saw" or "sensed"  death and came to "fight it" for me.  Interesting that it was not my family that fought for me but a cat.

I was told that I had an "angel" protecting us.  Maybe that "angel" is Gabriel... a cat...

Important Advice Regarding Registered Plans

I know a little something about Registered Plans as I have been working with two kinds for the last 5 years.

I know there are more than two, but the advice I have to give is good for all of them.  Yes my knowledge is about Canadian Registered plans but I feel fairly confident that this advice is good for anyone, anywhere thinking of putting money aside.

First what is a Registered Plan?

A Registered Plan is an investment product offered through various financial institutions which are covered by basic federal government legislation.  Usually the purpose of a Registered Plan is to put money away for a future aim.  Registered Plans can be tax sheltered (the interest is taxed only at time of withdrawal) or tax deferred (the money you put into the plan is only taxed at time of withdrawal)

What kinds of Registered Plans exist in Canada?

Registered Pension Plans

A registered pension plan (RPP) is an arrangement by an employer or a union to provide pensions to retired employees in the form of periodic payments. The Income Tax Act provides deductions in respect of both employee and employer contributions. Contributions and investment earnings are tax-exempt until such time as benefits commence to be paid.

Registered Retirement Plans

A registered retirement savings plan (RRSP) is an arrangement between an individual and an issuer (an insurance company, a trust company or a bank) under which retirement income commences at maturity. Contributions are made by individuals and are deductible under the Income Tax Act. Earnings in the plan remain tax-free and payments out of an RRSP are taxable on receipt.

A registered retirement income fund (RRIF) is an arrangement between a carrier (an insurance company, a trust company or a bank) and an annuitant under which payments are made to the annuitant of a minimum amount each year. The property under a fund is derived only as a result of a transfer of funds from another RRIF, an RRSP or a registered pension plan and annual amounts must commence to be paid to the annuitant immediately. Property and earnings in a RRIF are tax-exempt and amounts paid out of a RRIF are taxable on receipt.

Registered Disability Plans

A registered disability savings plan is a trust arrangement between a holder and an issuer (a trust company in Canada). The purpose of such a plan is to provide for the long-term financial security of a beneficiary who has a prolonged and severe physical or mental impairment

Registered Education Plans

A registered education savings plan (RESP) is a contract between a subscriber and a promoter (banks, trust companies and scholarship funds) and is a tax-deferred way to save for a beneficiary's post-secondary education. Contributions made by the subscriber are not tax deductible but earnings on such contributions are held in a tax-exempt trust. Contributions may be eligible for Canada Education Savings Grant (CESG) payments that are managed by Human Resources and Skills Development Canada (HRSDC). Investment earnings on contributions and CESG payments grow tax-free until they are distributed and included in the recipient's income and taxed accordingly.

 Tax Free Savings Account

Contributions to a TFSA are not deductible for income tax purposes. Also, interest on money borrowed to invest in a TFSA is not tax deductible. However, the income generated in such an account (for example, investment income and capital gains) is tax-free, even when it is withdrawn.


What is my advice?


1. Start early.  It doesn't have to be much, $5.00 to $10.00 a month.  You'd be amazed how little amounts can add up quickly.  Just think about the last time you went shopping in a dollar store.  Everything there is a dollar or two yet somehow, you get to the cash and it costs you fifty to sixty dollars.  The same goes for putting money aside.

Furthermore, the longer the money is in a registered plan the better chance it has to grow.  Also if you put a little in early, on a regular basis, the less you will have to find at the last minute to meet your goals.

2. Shop around.  Many people think that registered plans are a government thing and they are all the same. In fact, they are  legislated by government but nevertheless a financial product that can differ from one financial institution to another.

If you were buying a car or a computer, will you buy the first one you saw in the first place you went to? No? Of course you won't -- because you're buying something that's hopefully going to last a few years and cause you the least amount of hassles for those years. So why are you treating a registered plan that you will be paying into for the next 10, 15, 20 years any differently?"

3. Do your own research.  Financial advisers can be a useful tool to introduce you to the concepts but quite honestly they don't always know what they are talking about or doing and their mistakes can wind up costing you big time. There are some good ones out there for sure but you will never know if yours happens to be a good one of you have no idea what he/she is talking about.

4. Read everything BEFORE you sign.  If you don't understand something get answers before you sign anything.  I can't stress this enough...

I have heard very often "nobody told me this" when it was very specifically mentioned in the document they signed and agreed to.  After you sign, it might not hurt to re-read contracts every once in a while to ensure you are respecting the various clauses.  Not respecting some clauses could very well nullify your plan or investment, causing you to loose it all.

5. Don't be afraid to ask questions! The more you know, the better you can choose the product that is right for you.  I have provided a few sample questions below:

• Once I have opened a registered plan, will I have to pay any fees? If so, what are they for and how much will I have to pay?
• Do I have to put a minimum amount of money into a registered plan?
• Do I have to make regular payments?
• What happens if I can't make regular payments?
• What are my investment choices? What are the benefits of each choice? Can the value of my investment go down?
• Can I withdraw money if I need it? Are there any fees or penalties for withdrawing money early?
• Can I transfer the registered plan to another person, or to another registered plan provider? What is the cost to transfer?
• What will happen to my savings in the registered plan if my aim doesn't happen? (Kid does not go to school, disability goes away...)
• What happens if I close my registered plan early?
• Does the registered plan provider offer any government incentives that are available?
• What happens in the event of the death of the plan holder?
• Is there a contact person at the financial institution that I can speak to if I have any further questions?

6.  Ask for monthly statements and read them. Make sure that everything is OK and there are no problems.  This is especially important if you are requesting any government incentives such as those offered through the education and disability plans.  Be involved in your investment, don't assume things will take care of themselves.

7. Follow your intuition.  I know, what kind of advice is that?  We often forgo our intuition or instinct because we can't justify it with facts.  Sometimes our subconscious mind caught some detail that your conscious mind didn't and your intuition is really trying to warn you . If you feel unsure or uncomfortable it is not the right product, plan, advisor or institution for you.

That is all the advice I have to give today.  For more information and advice (for Canadians) visit the following website: Financial Consumer Agency of Canada - Registered Plans

What would be your advice?

Thanks for reading!

Preventing Tragedies

I was reading the newspaper this morning and stumbled on the story of a young boy, 15 who suffered cardiac arrest while playing a game he loved.

Family, friends and teammates are grieving after a 15-year-old Richmond teen suffered cardiac arrest at a minor hockey game Sunday night and died several hours later

This comment from a paramedic struck me in the article:

Paramedics say sometimes young people don’t pay attention to symptoms the way older adults do, writing them off as stress, athletic strain or even just too much cola or energy drinks.

I don't agree with that statement.  I think that as a society, we don't tend to think that children can be seriously ill.  I have witnessed numerous times children complaining about some symptoms that could be construed as something quite serious, only to be brushed off by the adults around them (I may have been guilty of that once or twice, maybe more myself).

I saw a child complain of chest pain, of blurred vision, severe headaches, difficulty walking (sudden) and these symptoms have been ignored.

Another child was complaining of tummy aches, turned out she had twisted bowels.  Another child complained of nausea, and turned out to have H1N1.  Initially these kids complaints were ignored.

Many of these symptoms, if mentioned by an adult would have that adult rushed to the emergency, but a child?  Sure it's nothing, let's not bother, they will feel better tomorrow.

Kids learn to dismiss many of their symptoms because the people around them have taught them to dismiss their symptoms.  A kids tells his mom, he is out of breath, mom says honey it's normal, you are active.

Maybe it's not normal, maybe it's a sign of cardiac problems.


Kids can have health problems too. Kids can die, just like older people can.  Don't take for granted that because they are young, they are fine.  Get them checked out.


Thanks for reading.

Malignant Cervical Dysplasia

For those of you you may have heard of Cervical Dysplasia or Cervical Cancer or even only the HPV vaccine, here is my story.

I was 19 when I had my daughter.  After her birth, I went to the doctor for a Pap smear.  It must have been late in the summer of 1993.

It can take 2-4 weeks to get the results of a Pap smear and usually doctors don't call you back unless the smear shows something.

So I was quite shocked when my doctor called me after a few weeks about my smear.  I became quite worried when she insisted on seeing me right away.   My doctor was the doctor associated with the local college, and even tough I was seeing her outside of the college, she wanted me to go see her at the college, that very same day.

So I went to see her at the college clinic.  She took me in right away even though there were other people waiting.

She informed me that I had tested positive for severe cervical dysplasia, she explained that the results were CIN3

Dysplasia that is seen on a biopsy of the cervix is called cervical intraepithelial neoplasia (CIN). It is grouped into three categories:

    CIN I -- mild dysplasia

    CIN II -- moderate to marked dysplasia

    CIN III -- severe dysplasia to carcinoma in situ

When I read up on it these days, there seems like there should have been a second test or biopsy before getting this diagnosis.  There may have been a second one but I honestly do not remember that part if there was.  We ARE talking close to 20 years ago now.  Then again maybe there was as this Pap smear was supposed to have been done 6 months after I had given birth and my daughter was born in late November.

She referred me to a gynecologist/oncologist  (this doctor delivered no babies).  I know she did a biopsy on me, I remember that one.  I figure the referral didn't take very long by today's standards.

She started with Cryosurgery, (I don't know how many times)  then did a cone biopsy (which is why I had trouble staying pregnant later on and why my son is such a miracle).  The cone biopsy determined that the cells were reproducing faster than the cryosurgery were destroying them.  They also determined that the abnormal cells had become malignant.

The doctor then informed me that she would have to use more aggressive treatment.  For years I have been referring to this "more aggressive treatment" as laser therapy, but in order to make sure that I was telling all of you the absolute truth I actually went and researched it.  My researched determined that laser therapy:

1. was NOT used to treat cervical cancer and was a more expensive less effective way of treating mild to severe dysplasia

2. neither the cryosurgery nor the laser therapy cause the intense burning I remembered for weeks after each treatment.

3. the laser therapy machine of the 90's did not look like any machine my doctor was using.

What I realized through my research was that the "more aggressive therapy" was in fact brachytherapy.  

Brachytherapy (from the Greek word βραχυς brachys, meaning "short-distance"), also known as internal radiotherapy, sealed source radiotherapy, curietherapy or endocurietherapy, is a form of radiotherapy where a radiation source is placed inside or next to the area requiring treatment. Brachytherapy is commonly used as an effective treatment for cervical, prostate, breast, and skin cancer and can also be used to treat tumours in many other body sites. Brachytherapy can be used alone or in combination with other therapies such as surgery, External Beam Radiotherapy (EBRT) and chemotherapy.

Specifically I received HDR brachytherapy, on several occasions, intermixed with cryotherapy.  

 High-dose rate (HDR) brachytherapy is when the rate of dose delivery exceeds 12 Gy·h-1. The most common applications of HDR brachytherapy are in tumours of the cervix, esophagus, lungs,] breasts  and prostate. Most HDR treatments are performed on an outpatient basis, but this is dependent on the treatment site.

This treatment lasted a few months, with biopsies on a regular basis.  After several months (I know it was winter when I got the news) I had a clear biopsy.

I then had pap smears every three months for a year or so, then every six months and eventually every year.

Well that's my story, thanks for reading!

The Annual Physical

I recently went for my annual physical.

I shouldn't call it annual, cause I procrastinate as much as I humanely can and wind up doing it maybe every 2.5 years or so, depending on how forceful the physician can be.

Considering I had severe Cervical Dysplasia that turned malignant during treatment and they had to get aggressive to save my life, I really am the poster person for knowing the importance of getting a physical (including the dreaded pap smear) on a regular basis.  My Cervical Dysplasia has not recurred in about 18 years or so, but that doesn't mean it will never come back.

With a diagnosis of CIN 3, which is also sometimes called carcinoma in situ, the dysplasia will be treated aggressively, since by definition all or almost all of the epithelial layer is dysplastic, and the next step would be cancer. (http://www.baymoon.com/~hpvinfo/library/bldyspcin3.htm)

If the abnormality has progressed to the point where it has become malignant, the diagnosis is cervical cancer, and will go through a different round of evaluation and treatment. For more information about cervical cancer, see that section of this site, or the information below. http://www.baymoon.com/~hpvinfo/library/bldyspcancer.htm

I know when I went a few years (5-6) without a physical, I did become quite afraid that it might have come back and progressed to a higher level (Stage 3) BUT it was only the fibromyalgia rearing it's ugly head.


 Anyway, back to the physical.  Usually when you go get a physical, it's an annoying routine, you usually don't expect anything to come out of it.  Especially the way that my former doctor did my physical, she did not even bother with blood tests, just pap smear, weight, blood pressure and heart rate.

This time my physical was all inclusive, with the above mentioned, PLUS breast exam, blood test for everything under the sun (being a new doctor he probably opted for the full screening as he saw in the imported file that I had complained about various things), checking my lung functions, asking a multitude of questions.

He had requested the blood test be done prior to the physical to he could have them on that day.  During the physical, he brought up the results of my tests.  He was somewhat concerned with the readings for my creatinine, sodium, chloride and potassium.  He asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease.  (when he asked I thought he meant polycystic ovary syndrome)  I responded no (both counts the answer is no, so everything turned out OK) So he decided to sent me for another blood test to see if the results are repeated.  (sometimes the results can be due to a mistake or a fluke)

We discussed my blood pressure which he wants improved (140/60) and my cholesterol ratio was about 5, so he wants to see that improved too. MY LDL is OK, a little high but within normal range, however my HDL is a little low.  Gotta eat more FISH  (and not tuna).  My heart rate is 67 which is pretty good for an old fat out of shape person!!!.

As for the blood test, technicians don't like me.

I have small, deep rolling veins...  On top of that, my hands and arms tend to be swollen lately. The poor technicians have a really hard time finding veins in my arms, and even in my hand.  They tend to get rather nervous cause when they miss and have to restart it can get rather painful.  Both technicians, the first one as well as the second one had a really hard time  finding a vein.  Poor things.

Anyway, now I have to wait a month to find out if my kidneys are fine after all.  They probably are.  My aches and pains are usually related to me fibro and are all in my head, no reason for things to be different now.

Well thanks for reading.

Trying to be positive

I am sitting here, trying to come up with a positive post.

I want to write something uplifting, something good, someting intertesting, rather than my customary rants and whines.

I don't want to just write what I feel today, I want to make you smile, make me smile.

I can't, no matter how much I want to, I can't...