Not a Good Day

I am sitting here thinking of everything I need to do.

• I have to finish cleaning the kitchen - it's absolutely horrible, there are still a lot of dishes to do, the floor is a mess - it's bad I tell you
• I have to vaccuum the house - there are cat hair balls everywhere.
• Clean and pick up the living room.  A lot of stuff is in this room that does not belong, a lot of it belonging to my son but there is stuff from all of us - it's pretty bad
• Get all the cat litters cleaned up and fresh litter put in it.  I have to admit I have not done them in a bit and of course the kids are not doing them either.  Poor cats stuck with filthy litter boxes.  I am horrible.
• Go out and do grocery shopping.  The cupboards and freezer are pretty bare.  I am way overdue.
• Do laundry, both mine and my son's are needed.  My son is 16 but does not beleive in taking care of himself.  His laundry requires deep cleening at this point - again it's pretty bad

Yet I sit here after having only done some dishes and I just feel like crying.  I hurt, I am tired.  I just want to go lie down in bed and cry.  I did some therapy last year that implied that if I can make myself get up and do my chores the sense of accomplishement will help chase away the depression.  It only makes me exhausted and more depressed because I can't seem to get it all done.

I go back to work tomorrow.  I get two days off to get my sh*t done.  I also need these two days to visit people and rest to prepare for the week ahead.

During the week, trying to get my son to shower and go to work in the morning is exhausting.  Then I face the commute to work, takes me close to an hour I am already tired by the time I get to work.  I do my 8 hour day, trying not to let mi irritation overwhelme me the have to face the commute home.  Traffic at night going home is absolutely HORRIBLE! It often takes me over 75 minutes to get home.  By the time I get home I am so exhausted that running errands, preparring supper and doing housework is just beyond me.  The mess adds up very quickly, so that by the weekend, it seems insurmountable.

I envy those women who can not only get all this done but insert some time to exercise.  I want to be them so bad!

Losing Weight

Some of you may know that over the last few years I have gotten quite fat.  Sometime since 2006 I have gained well over a 100 pounds.  I did start off as too thin, so some of that weight was fine, but then between medications that make you gain weight, activity levels that have gone down because of constant exhaustion and pain, that bit of weight that may have been necessary has ballooned to way way way too much weight.

The weight did not go one super fast but neither was it an overly slow process.  I did try to stall the progress a few times without much success.

Ever since I started gaining, I have hated myself, hated what my body was becoming.  To make matters worst, the pain and exhaustion that started it all has progressively gotten worst, making it that much more difficult to do the physical activity needed to assist in weight loss.

So even though I have been thinking about loosing weight for quite some time now, I have only recently begun a "diet".  I started restricting calories on August 11, 2014.  Unfortunately I did not weight myselft before starting so I have no idea what my starting weight was.  I only weighed myself at the two week mark.

The good news is that I weight less than I thought I did.  So I have been feeling heavier than I actually am, that's a good thing, the bad news is that I had no way of knowing if the efforts I had been making for two weeks had any effect.  But now I at least have a reference point.  I will weight myself again in a little while to see if there is any difference.

I would like to lose about 80 pounds (37 Kg or 6 stones).  I figure, with my current calorie restriction, I should lose about 2 pounds a week. (Quite honestly, 5 would be so much better but until I can manage to do more excercise, that is not a realistic expectation).  At this rate, it would take about 9 months to reach my goal weight. (Just in time for next summer!)

I would really really really like to lose weight.  I really hope this works.  I am not that confident that it will due to my previous failures, but it would be so darn nice if it finally did work.

At least I am not doing the first leg of this diet by myself.  My daughter also feels she has a bit of weight to lose, so she is dieting along with me.  She cheats a bit more than I do, but she is also quite a bit more physically active than I am, so she can get away with consuming more calories anyway.

I get so many cravings though.  Chips, cake, BACON! Bread.

I am not a big chocolate or pop (soda) drinker, so not having any of those is not a big issue.

I am also more hungry than the amount of food I can intake, even the healthy kind.  It's amazing how fast calories add up.  I have researched healthy ways of reducing appretite, nothing works very well so far.

I hope that if and when I weigh less, moving my body around will become a tad easier, that my legs will be able to carry this body of mine furhter.

Well wish me luch and thank you for reading.