In previous post, I mentioned that I have been living with depression for as long as I can remember.
The first time I went on anti-depressants was a few years after my daughter was born. It was the first time I had a "family doctor". She was the doctor that served the College I was attending, the one who had found the cancer and referred me to the oncologist/gynecologist that treated my cancer.
I admitted to this doctor that I felt like killing myself. She referred me to the first of many psychologists I would see and gave me the first anti-depressants. She made me sign a non-suicide contract and did not call child protective services like today's doctors would do. The psychologist tried to make me admit that I wanted to kill myself because I wanted to punish people. (Boy this guy had it wrong!)
Anyways, I went on Zoloft. I loved anti-depressants; they made me feel so good, and gave me so much energy! I felt so much better. When I felt better I would stop taking the medications. I would slide down into deep depression again so I would take the pills again. I did this off and off for a few years, then stopped taking anti-depressants as my life was somewhat better.
After my son was born, I suffered a bout of postpartum depression. I had a new doctor by that time as I had moved to Ontario. He prescribed a new anti-depressant, Paxil.
During this time, I was living with two housemates. This was a very good thing as living with other people enabled us to discover exactly how good I was feeling while on antidepressants. I would stay up all night, I would rearrange our furniture this way and that, I would cook for an army, I would want to go out and have fun. My well-meaning housemate let me know I was a little hyper, and my doctor also found out how hyper I had become. That is when I got the label of bipolar for the first time and was prescribed Lithium.
He took me off Paxil, and just kept me on Lithium. This medication seemed to stabilize me, but the balance was very difficult to obtain. The "therapeutic" amounts were toxic to me. They tried for some time to try and get the right balance, increasing and decreasing the doses on a weekly basis. Blood tests every week, sometimes even twice a week. The toxicity would depend on the weather, exertion, anything. I could not stop taking my medication because keeping my children became conditional on my being medicated.
Shortly after my son was born, a trusted friend (I believed) betrayed my trust in the most horrendous way. When I reported the betrayal to the cops (as one should) they involved child protection services. Somehow this turned against me. They found out I was "bipolar" and used it to accuse me of being involved in all kinds of sick things (which I wasn't). I ran away from the Ontario child protection services only to get caught up in the Quebec system. (This may have been better as they are slightly easier to fight). It took me a few years to get them to understand that I was not prostituting my daughter during bouts of mania. I was not a danger to my children. They said that because I was bipolar, that I had "black-outs" and did not remember abusing my children.
I am not proud of many of the mistakes I have done as a parent, but the things they were accusing me of, I never did. They did manage to take my daughter away from me for a year, and one of the conditions to being able to get her back was to be medicated and follow counselling by two therapists, one of theirs. I had to admit to the things they were accusing me of in order to possibly get my children back.
I have to admit it was very hard for me to keep my sanity and not be depressed during this period in my life. One of the therapists I was seeing was trying to get me to understand that all the bad things that happened in my life was because I was too impulsive and made bad decisions as a result. I am not an impulsive person, but they wanted me to admit to all they said that I was. They told me I was a monster. They also told me I was rapid cycling.
I fought and eventually I did get my child back without having to admit to being the monster they accused me of being. After having my children back, I moved back to the Ottawa region. Without a doctor to follow me, I stopped taking lithium, and was finally free of weekly blood testing. This was in the summer of 2002.
Eventually I became depressed again. I visited this clinic and a doctor there accepted me as a patient. We discussed my being bipolar and he decided to put me on anti-depressants but rather than put me on lithium which was so difficult with me, he decided to put me on valproic acid (or valproate). I forget which anti-depressant he prescribed, but eventually I went down to only valproate. I was on this medication off and on until 2005 when I moved back to Ontario. Then my son's psychiatrist prescribed me valproic acid for a little longer, until he closed his practice in early 2007 I think.
I was un-medicated and functioning well. I took a while for me to find another doctor. When I did, upon taking my medical history, I mentioned that I had been labelled as bipolar but was functioning well off medication. It became an obsession with her to have me be medicated for the bipolarity, going as far as being uncooperative in treating me for my other illnesses.
Eventually I became depressed again. I went to see her and said that now; I needed help and would agree to going on medication, I however did not want to go on valproate or lithium. She prescribed an antidepressant with a mood stabilizer called Seroquel, which she was giving me to help me sleep. Even with the mood stabilizer I started becoming manic.
Suddenly it hit me. The only times I ever became manic was under the influence of anti-depressants. I required help with my chronic depressions but I didn't get manias, only when medicated. I could function very well without mood stabilizers when I was not depressed. Also mood stabilizers were usually not very good for treating my depressions.
I requested to be properly evaluated by a psychiatrist, which I had never been. I suspect I might not be bipolar, much less rapid cycling. As a person with FM and CFS, we are prone to some mood swings and depression. Also because of the recurring depression, I definitively have something. I could be bipolar. Considering that my son is currently being treated with Abilify for his mood swings, there is undoubtedly some genetic thing causing it.
After a long wait, I have finally been contacted by a psychiatrist from the mood clinic. Once we are done playing phone tag, maybe I will finally know...
UPDATE : September 29, 2011. Met with the psychiatrist, she asked me some questions and after about 15~20 minutes thinks that I more than likely am bipolar. How can someone be bipolar if one gravitates only to one pole? Should it not be unipolar depressive?
Course the solution is drugs....
Thanks for reading!
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