Keeping Myself Busy

Hello peoples!!!


Well after my last few posts, you can tell that I have not been doing too well.

So....

I have been keeping myself busy to chase away the negative thoughts as much as possible.  It's not working too well with my son not going to school and being obsessive and unstable around me.

My son has been forgetting to take his pills which makes him rather violent and extremely obsessive.

His latest obsession since I got a net book to do my surfing and blogging is to get a new laptop capable of of playing his %**^$%#*^ games.  My netbook was as little expensive to have a reliable product as I could manage.  1GB ram 320 hard drive...  I borrowed money from my Line of Credit to get it...

He wants  a strong processor, about 4GB ram.  Lots and lots of HD....  This costs more, money I don't have.  He won;t go to school so he can stay home and flip out at his current laptop which keeps shutting down.

Stand up for yourself, put your foot down, be authoritative...  Well that is someone without fibro, more physical strength than I have, not under CAS radar for being a single mom with a mental illness.  Call the cops if he attacks or threatens you.  Oh, guess who gets to pay his legal fees...guess who is responsible...

Parents have no right, we have to sit and take it.  That's it.I have to put up with it until he turns 18 and sen him to crisis unit when he crosses the line...  and by crossing the line, that line is VERY far...

Anyway, enough about that.

On October 19th I had open flap surgery on all 4 quadrants, and closed in the front.  They "put me under" for the surgery (but I don't remember being under)  Since then I have been having trouble eating.  My teeth have become extremely sensitive.  The gums were hurting  but the teeth, oh gosh... massive pain.  Even brushing my teeth with sensitive teeth toothpaste hurts.  I think I have a cavity.  Seeing them tomorrow...

I have done a bit more cleaning, not much laundry folding but  a bit here an there, yet the house is looking as dirty as ever, if not dirtier...

• I have been cooking desserts as well as other stuff.  I don't cook everyday but more than before.  
• I switched the guest bedroom and the office, 
• Unpacked and organized a few things here and there, 
• Prepared the Halloween candies and decorations, 
• Changed the light in the kitchen, 
• Bought a bed that will not fit in the stairs, 
• Went out karaokeing with little success. Remind me that I hate doing that.  Especially with Alcohol available.
• I also cleaned the back yard a bit

Not much I know but hey I am supposed to be RESTING...

I am also shopping for a new phone company as I don't think Wind has any intent or motivation to fix the issues, just waiting for an unlock.

I know what I am getting my son for his Bday and Xmas but I don't know what I am getting my daughter for her bday which is in November.  Maybe I can paint her furniture....   it needs to get done after all.

I wanted to do 14 things last week:

1.  
2. Fold clean laundry
3. Clean laundry that got dirty this week
4. Sort the hamper of socks
5. Clean all the cat litters, they are all overdue   [✓]
6. Clean all the hamster cages (severely overdue)  [✓]
7. Finish cleaning the backyard, empty all the pots etc. etc. etc....  [1/2 ✓]
8. Vacuum house from top to bottom (twice) 
9. Shine floors
10. Put vinyls on futons (after cleaning them throughout of course)  [✓]
11. Sort books and VHS to get rid of.
12. Reorganize kitchen cupboards  [1/2 ✓]
13. Clean the fridge
14. Make more hard boiled eggs
15. Make more muffins

I got 5 somewhat done...  Must do better next week....

Thanks for reading...

Depression is a Choice

It was brought to my attention recently that being depressed and suicidal is our choice.  Hating our life is not a good enough reason to be depressed and /or suicidal.  Being depressed is no more a choice than homosexuality, diabetes or cancer.

Excerpt of a conversation between two young adults  Names are blanked out but not all negative sayings.  I have no wish to live in the land of denial, it's too crowded.

A person with diabetes cannot simply shrug off their condition.  Sure some can choose to eat healthier, reducing the chances of the condition from spiraling out of control, but at the base of it, diabetes is a chemical disorder of the body.

Ever notice how sometimes, a person with a seemingly perfect life is depressed, even suicidal (Daron Richardson for example) yet another person with non-stop difficulties and challenges is not depressed?  How that person manages to find joy and satisfaction in the smallest things?

Depression is not merely an external situational condition.  A person is not depressed just because their life sucks.  Sure the fact that their life sucks might make the depression worst, just as stress and exhaustion might make the person more depressed but there is something there, before the events, predisposing a person to depression and suicidal thoughts.

This person had made comments that we were not tight on money, he was missing a lot of facts (as well as being just too inexperienced in life) to be able to make sound judgement.  I have no idea where the "father figure" comment even comes from...

Depression doesn't get better by itself.

There is only one cure for depression : Suicide.

IN the conversation in the picture above, the 21 year old discusses that death is nothingness.  In his (stupidity? ignorance?), he thinks that a suicidal person is not aware what death is, what death means.  He doesn't  get that what he describes is EXACTLY what a suicidal person WANTS.the end of it all, the end of the never-ending pain, the agony of life.  They seek nothingness.

Suicide is not "childish" or immature. There is no glory in putting up with pain and sadness for endless years.  We stay for others, not for ourselves.  We derive no pleasure out of life.


Other options for depression are treatments.  No treatments are cures. There is no living cure for depression.  They say it can get better.  I'll have to take their word for it as I have yet to experience it in my 40 years on earth.

Treatments include various drugs.  None of these drugs are guaranteed to work.   They help to balance the chemicals in the brain. Antidepressant medication, used under the guidance of a mental health professional, may relieve some of your depression symptoms. But antidepressants also come with significant side effects and dangers. What’s more, recent studies have raised questions about their effectiveness. At the very least, it’s clear that medication alone isn't enough—you also need to make changes in your lifestyle. Learning the facts about antidepressants and weighing the benefits against the risks can help you make an informed and personal decision about what’s right for you.



Experts agree that depression involves much more than just “bad” brain chemistry. Serotonin is just one of many factors that may play a role in the disorder.
New research points to other biological contributors to depression, including inflammation, elevated stress hormones, immune system suppression, abnormal activity in certain parts of the brain, nutritional deficiencies, and shrinking brain cells. And these are just the biological causes of depression.
Social and psychological factors—such as loneliness, lack of exercise, poor diet, and low self-esteem—also play an enormous role in depression.

Studies show that therapy works just as well as antidepressants in treating depression, and it’s better at preventing relapse once treatment ends. While depression medication only helps as long as you’re taking it, the emotional insights and coping skills acquired during therapy can have a more lasting effect on depression. However, sometimes depression can be too severe for simple therapy or the issues may be too complex.

Also, drugs are covered by insurance plans, therapy is not always covered, and when it is it covers very little.

Well that's it for now,  feel free to disagree with me.

Depression, Pain and Sick Leave

Hi!

Well I am half way through my second week of sick leave.

Hard to believe since I can't honestly say I have done very much except waste too much money.

It scares me how I will manage once the regular paycheck stops and I start getting only EI.  The two week without anything scares me even more.

I know I'll have food to last me for 4 weeks.  Might not be great food by the 4th week but we will have food, I just don't know how my bills will get paid.

You are probably figuring that this added stress is not going to help my anxiety, depression or blood pressure.  You are probably right.

The last two weeks I have not been sleeping well at all, and have been in considerable pain.  Pretty much why I have not done much around the house.  I have a pile of clean laundry getting more and more wrinkled by the day.  They need to be folded.

I have cut down my tomato plants.  The Sweet millions plant had taken over the whole garden and part of the back yard.  I did harvest the last of the tomatoes.  I of course had 4 other tomato plants in there

I did wash the laundry, folded some, just not all.

I did cook Thanksgiving dinner.  Yams, Butternut, Mashed Potatoes, Turkey, Ham, Chocolate Muffins (I had forgotten dessert!)

I have tried cleaning the house, did the basement washroom... the cleaning is just not working out very well.  If anything, it looks like the house is dirtier...

I have read a book....

I have gotten a lot of bad news.  (Still having issues with Wind, My son's bike was stolen, my son flipped, Telus sent me a cancellation bill for canceling at the end of my contract.  stoopid!  My daughter's student loans expect her to repay even though she applied for loans for this year (and got them) AND confirmed her enrollment...)

I have NOT decorated for Halloween yet

I have NOT painted anything yet

I have NOT organized anything yet

Other than Thanksgiving dinner I have NOT done much cooking or baking

So obviously no miracles...

I have done a lot of thinking...

Not much of it good I am afraid.

I have asked myself why someone whose IQ is at the 98th percentile feels so stupid and inadequate all the time.  Why I am embarrassed by everything I say and do..., yet can't seem to stop the idiocities from spilling out...

I have asked myself why it is always so much easier to believe when people tell me I am bad things but I am always suspicious when they make a compliment, assuming they are pretending, trying to make me feel better with lies or that they are really making fun of me, how gullible I am to think they might mean it...

I have asked myself why I can't enjoy the moment, why I am always so negative, so worthless...

I have asked myself also why "tricks" that work in making other people better fail so miserably with me.

I have read some self help books, watched Doctor Phil, Doctor Oz and a few other "health" shows and wonder why the stuff they talk about seem to be such a huge revelation for the "audience" when my reaction is "well duh... how could they not know that?"

I was telling my daughter that drinking specialty coffees was like drinking a pure milkshake, with 30% cream.  Even a double double is too much fat and sugar.  Shortly later the host says the exact same thing and the audience is "SHOCKED!"

Yet people believe that I am fat because I do not know what is fatning...  I know the things that are fatning and bad for me... I know what portions I am supposed to eat....  My being fat has more to do with the reasons WHY I eat, the reasons WHY I don't exercise as much as I need and the reasons WHY I choose unhealthy choices over healthy ones.

The neuropshychologist said I don't believe I can be helped...  HE is definitely RIGHT.  He says I have trouble trusting a therapist, he is also right on that one...

Those who may be able to help me... I can't afford, hell I can't afford the ones who can't.

Where does that leave me?  I'll be going back to work without anything resolved, only to keep getting worst....  That's where things leave me.

Oh and I hate my house more and more every single day....  God I was such an idiot to think I could pick a decent house....

Update on Fostering

Hello All!

Pepsi

Pepsi

Coke

           I am still fostering.  Many beautiful cats have sojourned under my roof.

Currently I have two beautiful Ragdoll mixes, Coke and Pepsi.

Coke younger

These boys are the absolutely Purrrrfect pets...

They are a mix of a dog and a cat.  They follow you around like a puppy, want cuddles, chat with you....  just amazing....

They are also so so soft!

Silver, purring as usual....

I also have a cute approximately 2 year old silver tabby that we are calling Silver, for lack of a better name.  He is not with the network and the poor thing is restrained to a room as he wants to fight with the other household cats... He needs a home of his home FAST!  He also needs to be neutered  but I have a cash-flow problem, I can't get it done...

Silver

This guy is so unbelievably affectionate...  Purrs so loudly and easily...

He just LOVES people.  I don't understand how he could have been thrown out like trash...

He uses the litter box (though smells pretty strong...)

Just an all round GREAT little kitty.  If you live in the Ottawa area and want him... get in touch with me...

Silver

Did I tell you all about Katey?  Katey was the sibling of Coco and Charley, such a firecracker and another amazing kitty.  She was adopted to a great couple who was not at all planning on getting a cat but they just absolutely fell totally in love with her on sight.  They just HAD to have her, her picture in the link below.

http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/23487686

A quick update!

Hi All!

I know I have been gone for a while

It's been difficult to come and write a little something to let you all know what it going on. There are a lot of reasons for that.

1. My computer broke (Yes I can use my daughter's but there is more...)
2. Work has been massively busy over the last little while.  I have been using my breaks and lunches to try an get caught up.  When not using my breaks and lunches to get caught up, I have needed to get away from the cubicle, so no blogging.
3. I have been tired.  Very very tired.  When I come home after work, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer and type, even though I have a lot to say.  I have thought of installing a software on my daughter's computer which would enable me to lounge on the futon in the office and dictate the content of my blog, then copy/paste the result, add a few pictures and post.
4. I have been in a lot of pain.  After sitting at a desk all day, I need to be in a different position at night.  So again no sitting in front of a computer at home.  Do most of my Facebooking on my phone in front of the TV, cuddling a kitten.
5. During the weekend I have to catch up on household chores as I don't get to do much of it during the week due to pain and exhaustion.  The kids are not very good yet at maintenance either.  I can't sit and blog when there is so much catching up to do.  And I still don;t get it all done.

Remember the Tests I did with the Neuropsychologist?  The Fitness to Work evaluation I did?

The results were surprising (but others were somewhat expected.)

The coolest thing is they included an IQ test.  The result was that I am in the 98.7 percentile...  I knew I was brilliant... now my doctors know it too.  They can no longer assume I am being manic when I claim that I am smarter than the average Canadian.   I AM!  it's not mania....  LOL

On the other hand, I am not functioning at that level.  I am still functioning at a level consistent with an average Canadian, but they agree that for my psyche, that is not a good thing.

They also determined that my depression was very high, that I have attachment/trust issues (not that I get attached ton easy, but the other way around, I have trouble letting people in)  I overcompensate so much  to hide what's going on and I have done it for so long that I have become pretty good at it.  Even though I am a horrible actress, it's nevertheless hard to see what is really going on.

So

• I have trouble forming relationships - something therapists need to know as I need to develop that so they can actually help.
• I have pretty severe social anxiety , and I work in client services....  yeash....
• I have self esteem issues related to my appearance which needs to be dealt with.
• I do not believe I can actually be helped - something else a therapist needs to know and they often jump right in and don't see the obstacle. - can you blame me though, considering how many doors I have had slammed in my face?

The Fitness to work evaluation did not take into account the physical pain or the exhaustion per say, but I think it was taken into account in regards to my lack of personal life because of it.

So, the recommendation is that I be off work for 3 months or so and get intensive psychotherapy for a long period of time.

I initially fought the recommendation.  Financially it was not a good thing as I am already pretty tight.  I am also afraid that it won't be enough...

But after all 4 doctors explained the necessity of it, I gave in.  I will be on EI during that 3 months (insurance kicks in the 4th month)  EI is about 1/3 of my income.

I saw this coming, I've been squirreling away.  I've looked at my bills and debts and seen what I can reduce or put off for a little while (just a little while) and I have determined that I will have to dip in my line of credit to pay some stuff,  I think I will be OK.  Sure I will be in deeper debt but, that's the price of illness.

I may be off longer because they feel I should do intense therapy before I come back to work and have some stuff dealt with.  At least once a week, for the first few months.

Thing is the therapy has to be with some out in the community therapists.  It has to be with therapists trained in overcoming my barriers.  Most of the recommended therapists charge on average $200/hour.

Well I am insured.  My insurance is pay first be reimbursed later.  It can take up to a month to be reimbursed.  Also, I am only covered on the first $1000.00

So, that means that only the first 6 visits are covered.  Also I have to pay about $800.00 before some of it is paid back, all while my income is a 1/3 of it's usual tight level.

Someone said to go to a community centre. 

1. They are not trained to address my particular issues, they do counselling, not therapy.  Yes it is different
2. They charge according to sliding scale according to income
3. They do not do long term therapy for serious issues, only short term counselling.

So needless to say, it's not going to start in the first 3 months.

Also the fibro will be investigated, to see if anything can be done to improve the situation.

I will definitely fight to go back to work.  I am just scared.

Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading.


P.S.  BTW, Wind?  Still not resolved.