Depression, Pain and Sick Leave

Hi!

Well I am half way through my second week of sick leave.

Hard to believe since I can't honestly say I have done very much except waste too much money.

It scares me how I will manage once the regular paycheck stops and I start getting only EI.  The two week without anything scares me even more.

I know I'll have food to last me for 4 weeks.  Might not be great food by the 4th week but we will have food, I just don't know how my bills will get paid.

You are probably figuring that this added stress is not going to help my anxiety, depression or blood pressure.  You are probably right.

The last two weeks I have not been sleeping well at all, and have been in considerable pain.  Pretty much why I have not done much around the house.  I have a pile of clean laundry getting more and more wrinkled by the day.  They need to be folded.

I have cut down my tomato plants.  The Sweet millions plant had taken over the whole garden and part of the back yard.  I did harvest the last of the tomatoes.  I of course had 4 other tomato plants in there

I did wash the laundry, folded some, just not all.

I did cook Thanksgiving dinner.  Yams, Butternut, Mashed Potatoes, Turkey, Ham, Chocolate Muffins (I had forgotten dessert!)

I have tried cleaning the house, did the basement washroom... the cleaning is just not working out very well.  If anything, it looks like the house is dirtier...

I have read a book....

I have gotten a lot of bad news.  (Still having issues with Wind, My son's bike was stolen, my son flipped, Telus sent me a cancellation bill for canceling at the end of my contract.  stoopid!  My daughter's student loans expect her to repay even though she applied for loans for this year (and got them) AND confirmed her enrollment...)

I have NOT decorated for Halloween yet

I have NOT painted anything yet

I have NOT organized anything yet

Other than Thanksgiving dinner I have NOT done much cooking or baking

So obviously no miracles...

I have done a lot of thinking...

Not much of it good I am afraid.

I have asked myself why someone whose IQ is at the 98th percentile feels so stupid and inadequate all the time.  Why I am embarrassed by everything I say and do..., yet can't seem to stop the idiocities from spilling out...

I have asked myself why it is always so much easier to believe when people tell me I am bad things but I am always suspicious when they make a compliment, assuming they are pretending, trying to make me feel better with lies or that they are really making fun of me, how gullible I am to think they might mean it...

I have asked myself why I can't enjoy the moment, why I am always so negative, so worthless...

I have asked myself also why "tricks" that work in making other people better fail so miserably with me.

I have read some self help books, watched Doctor Phil, Doctor Oz and a few other "health" shows and wonder why the stuff they talk about seem to be such a huge revelation for the "audience" when my reaction is "well duh... how could they not know that?"

I was telling my daughter that drinking specialty coffees was like drinking a pure milkshake, with 30% cream.  Even a double double is too much fat and sugar.  Shortly later the host says the exact same thing and the audience is "SHOCKED!"

Yet people believe that I am fat because I do not know what is fatning...  I know the things that are fatning and bad for me... I know what portions I am supposed to eat....  My being fat has more to do with the reasons WHY I eat, the reasons WHY I don't exercise as much as I need and the reasons WHY I choose unhealthy choices over healthy ones.

The neuropshychologist said I don't believe I can be helped...  HE is definitely RIGHT.  He says I have trouble trusting a therapist, he is also right on that one...

Those who may be able to help me... I can't afford, hell I can't afford the ones who can't.

Where does that leave me?  I'll be going back to work without anything resolved, only to keep getting worst....  That's where things leave me.

Oh and I hate my house more and more every single day....  God I was such an idiot to think I could pick a decent house....