A quick update!

Hi All!

I know I have been gone for a while

It's been difficult to come and write a little something to let you all know what it going on. There are a lot of reasons for that.

1. My computer broke (Yes I can use my daughter's but there is more...)
2. Work has been massively busy over the last little while.  I have been using my breaks and lunches to try an get caught up.  When not using my breaks and lunches to get caught up, I have needed to get away from the cubicle, so no blogging.
3. I have been tired.  Very very tired.  When I come home after work, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer and type, even though I have a lot to say.  I have thought of installing a software on my daughter's computer which would enable me to lounge on the futon in the office and dictate the content of my blog, then copy/paste the result, add a few pictures and post.
4. I have been in a lot of pain.  After sitting at a desk all day, I need to be in a different position at night.  So again no sitting in front of a computer at home.  Do most of my Facebooking on my phone in front of the TV, cuddling a kitten.
5. During the weekend I have to catch up on household chores as I don't get to do much of it during the week due to pain and exhaustion.  The kids are not very good yet at maintenance either.  I can't sit and blog when there is so much catching up to do.  And I still don;t get it all done.

Remember the Tests I did with the Neuropsychologist?  The Fitness to Work evaluation I did?

The results were surprising (but others were somewhat expected.)

The coolest thing is they included an IQ test.  The result was that I am in the 98.7 percentile...  I knew I was brilliant... now my doctors know it too.  They can no longer assume I am being manic when I claim that I am smarter than the average Canadian.   I AM!  it's not mania....  LOL

On the other hand, I am not functioning at that level.  I am still functioning at a level consistent with an average Canadian, but they agree that for my psyche, that is not a good thing.

They also determined that my depression was very high, that I have attachment/trust issues (not that I get attached ton easy, but the other way around, I have trouble letting people in)  I overcompensate so much  to hide what's going on and I have done it for so long that I have become pretty good at it.  Even though I am a horrible actress, it's nevertheless hard to see what is really going on.

So

• I have trouble forming relationships - something therapists need to know as I need to develop that so they can actually help.
• I have pretty severe social anxiety , and I work in client services....  yeash....
• I have self esteem issues related to my appearance which needs to be dealt with.
• I do not believe I can actually be helped - something else a therapist needs to know and they often jump right in and don't see the obstacle. - can you blame me though, considering how many doors I have had slammed in my face?

The Fitness to work evaluation did not take into account the physical pain or the exhaustion per say, but I think it was taken into account in regards to my lack of personal life because of it.

So, the recommendation is that I be off work for 3 months or so and get intensive psychotherapy for a long period of time.

I initially fought the recommendation.  Financially it was not a good thing as I am already pretty tight.  I am also afraid that it won't be enough...

But after all 4 doctors explained the necessity of it, I gave in.  I will be on EI during that 3 months (insurance kicks in the 4th month)  EI is about 1/3 of my income.

I saw this coming, I've been squirreling away.  I've looked at my bills and debts and seen what I can reduce or put off for a little while (just a little while) and I have determined that I will have to dip in my line of credit to pay some stuff,  I think I will be OK.  Sure I will be in deeper debt but, that's the price of illness.

I may be off longer because they feel I should do intense therapy before I come back to work and have some stuff dealt with.  At least once a week, for the first few months.

Thing is the therapy has to be with some out in the community therapists.  It has to be with therapists trained in overcoming my barriers.  Most of the recommended therapists charge on average $200/hour.

Well I am insured.  My insurance is pay first be reimbursed later.  It can take up to a month to be reimbursed.  Also, I am only covered on the first $1000.00

So, that means that only the first 6 visits are covered.  Also I have to pay about $800.00 before some of it is paid back, all while my income is a 1/3 of it's usual tight level.

Someone said to go to a community centre. 

1. They are not trained to address my particular issues, they do counselling, not therapy.  Yes it is different
2. They charge according to sliding scale according to income
3. They do not do long term therapy for serious issues, only short term counselling.

So needless to say, it's not going to start in the first 3 months.

Also the fibro will be investigated, to see if anything can be done to improve the situation.

I will definitely fight to go back to work.  I am just scared.

Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading.


P.S.  BTW, Wind?  Still not resolved.