So Many Plans, So Many Things I Want To Do.

This weekend, I enjoyed myself.

I did not go out, I stayed in and modified things I had.

OK I did go out on Sunday and spend money I didn't have but that is just a small part of what I did.

I miss crafting. I miss being artistic.  I miss being able to modify things around me, to create a bit of beauty.

I have so many plans, so many things I would like to do.

To name a few:

· Help my daughter repaint and decorate the furniture in her room.

· Paint the washroom in the basement

· Paint my son's room, this includes painting the furniture in his room to make everything match 

· Paint the tables in the living room, make them decorative.  They currently look like used and old 80's type furniture, they need to be upgraded.

· Paint the dining room and the shelving in the dining room, get artistic

· Paint the kitchen, give it a country look.  Organize it, make it ultra-functional

· Change and organize the entry.

· Do some crafts with the mason jars

· Make fabric picture frames

· Repaint my bedroom furniture

I have so many more things I want to do, I want to apply mouldings, I want to create all kinds of things.

A few things are holding me back

· Time

· Energy

· Ability

· Money

Time is the biggest thing I need.  If I had the time I would have to much of my plans and projects done!

Some say that I have time, I after all only spend 11 hours a day working, at my job and I have the weekend off, that means I have a whole two days during the weekend and at least 3-4 hours a night!  Of course I have time.

Well I have laundry to do, I need to clean the house sometimes, I need to clean myself sometimes too!

Every once in a while I need to cook. I also need to do some errands.  These do take away some time, but even so I should have access to an hour or so a night plus a few hours every weekend, PLENTY of time

They are right.  I can't deny it...

Energy is the next culprit.  When I do have time, I often find myself too exhausted. 

I also find myself with little motivation or my creative juices are not flowing.  I wish I could still have a whole lot of energy after work, like I once had.   I have no endurance. If I had more energy I could put the time I do have to much better use.

Some nights I do find myself to be able to do more.  Mostly though, by the time I leave work, I am fully drained.  In winter, when I leave work and dusk has fallen or is falling, it worst. Then if I have to scrape my car, drive in bad road conditions, everything I am is exhausted. By the time I get home, I am often too tired to even cook.  I scrounge up food to feed myself as best as I can, sometimes not even able to feed the children.  (Mind you I have pretty much given up on feeding the children.  When I bother to try am make a meal, one or the other or both will not eat it.  My son will have already eaten and not be hungry or he won't like it, my daughter will either not like it or not bother to come home and not tell me.  The food will stay on the stove to rot for days and finally I will throw it out)

I once tried to describe myself to someone who had no idea what Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue were.  I asked her to think of us as rechargeable batteries.  I said she was a fully functioning rechargeable battery and that a long time ago, I was also a fully functioning battery.  In the last few years, I became damaged and could no longer charge at full capacity.  These days, on a good day I only charged up to half, while on a bad day I was charged at no more than a quarter.

Yet even though I work at a lesser charge, people still expect me to function at full capacity and then some!

 Ability is also a barrier.  I am no longer as thin, as fit as coordinated as I used to be.  I am also no longer as strong nor as fast.  I don't have the dexterity anymore to either hold little things (like beads).

I need help to do stuff I used to be perfectly able to do by myself before.  My results are no longer as nice as they used to be because my hands shake.  The lines are no longer straight.  I cannot reproduce the images I see in my mind, nor can I explain then to someone else if they would be willing to help me reproduce my vision. 

I can't carry or lift or push.  I can't hold.

They say focus on the things I can do.  I can type! So I do.

Thanks for reading!