Standing Up to the Grim Reaper

This weekend, after noticing that the kids had massively exceeded our Internet bandwidth (and continue to do so, I will be paying an extra 20-30 dollars this month) I decided to put on "paper" (Excel) the state of my finances.

I tallied up the incoming funds on one side and the minimum outgoing on the other side.

Not counting any extras at all, just the very of veriest basics, I have a shortfall of $500.00.

I am perfectly aware how it got this way.  None of it (other than buying the house) was being irresponsible on my part.

Unless the lottery tickets in my purse are worth $20,000.00 (which I doubt they are) there is no simple solution to my current problem.

Sure if I had a physician willing to recognise my current limitations, and even better, recognise them retroactive, that would help my finances, but that is another thing that is unlikely to happen.

Another thing that could help, would be to be approved for work accommodations (work from home a few days a week).  I have the perfect job for a work from home scenario.  I also have a home office which would allow me to work from home, but since it requires a physician and a flexibility from my workplace to allow such a thing, that will again not happen.  Working from home 3 days/week would save me about $150.00/month in parking charges and gas.  It would also give me an extra 6 hours /week free time.

All the things that could help will not happen.  Trust me I have tried, I am an expert at getting rejected for everything and anything.

So last night I was pondering it all, the pain - the finances- all the difficulties - the lack of enjoyment of life and I was ready to put an end to it.

I was sitting in bed with some razor blades trying to figure out the best way to slash my wrist to guarantee death.  You see I know that you have to cut not across but upwards for best results.  Also I know that if you hit some major nerves, it could cause damage to your ability to hold and grasp the blade to cut the other arm, possibly making you miss your attempt.  Furthermore, as my blood test show, I have deep, small rolling veins.  So finding a good vein to slash that will drain my blood fast enough to die quickly is another difficulty.

I used to think that I could not do it with my kids in the house, but my son and my daughter's boyfriend were in the living room downstairs.  Neither would have disturbed me while I was doing it.  My daughter was out with a friend and she may have stopped by my room when she came home but she was gone till quite late so that was not a problem.

So why am I here today, telling you this story?  Why am I not dead?



Gabriel A.K.A. Gabe-gabe

 Gabriel. 

I heard Gabriel running up the stairs, making that chittering/purring sound he makes when he "talks".  He ran straight into my room, jumped on my bed and started licking my hands and my face, purring...

Every once in a while he stopped and stared at something seemingly beside/above my bed.  He laid down on my chest and stretched his paws on each side of my face. He actually went under my covers to lie directly on my chest. His affections and his presence did help remove the urgent need to die.  He stayed with me for over an hour and did not want to leave when I got up to go get my pills.

Now Gabriel is a loving and affectionate cat.  He is prone to jumping on a person to cuddle and he does keep a sick person company, but this particular behaviour was out of character for him.  I have often wondered if he is ultra sensitive to auras or something of the like.  Last night while he was lying on me, and staring at nothing, I wondered if he was actually looking at something I could not see.  I also wondered what exactly made him run to me the way he did.

Some believe that when death is close, the grim reaper or the angel of death comes to you.  There have been various other similar beliefs through the ages.  They also say that animal companions are often more sensitive to beings who are not corporeal.

I can't help but wonder if Gabriel "saw" or "sensed"  death and came to "fight it" for me.  Interesting that it was not my family that fought for me but a cat.

I was told that I had an "angel" protecting us.  Maybe that "angel" is Gabriel... a cat...