Record Breaking Highs and Spring Cleaning

I live in Canada

We are in March

Typically in March you expect this kind of weather

March 2008

What you don't expect is this kind of weather

March 2012

In the last week , our weather has been in the 20's (Celsius) and feeling in the 30's (Celsius)  Usually it's the - 20's   so as you can guess we are ecstatic yet confused.

Considering the beautiful weather, we have been thinking of spending more time outside.  My daughter and son have done some chalk drawings already (They were erased within 24 hours by a massive thunderstorm.  We got two of those) and I have started getting a hankering to eat outside.  Last night I decided to do some "spring cleaning" outdoors.  I only did the back yard (fibro and all) and didn't even fully finish that, but it is looking much nicer already.  I set up our table and chairs (I'll need to paint those this year, any idea which colour I should go with?) and placed the garbage bins in one area. Placed my pot holders on the fence.  What made the biggest difference though is the poop is GONE!.

As many of you know I have recently bought a house.  The previous owners had two dogs, one large dog and a small one.  I believe that once the sale was signed, they stopped scooping the pooping.  The back yard was rather full of poop.  There was also a lot of garbage here and there.

Tonight I will rake the front yard.  There is a bit of garbage there too.  Since the front yard is not as big of a job I may go back to the back yard and clean a little more there.  Maybe screw in the hose holder and wrap that up all nice.



The inside of the house is not all done yet.  Who knows when it will all be done.  I did find a place to bring all my electronic scraps to be recycled.  I have 2 TVs, a PC monitor (yeah mine died) and a bin full of computer components and laptop components and a DVD player.  Most of those have broken in the last month and would cost too much to repair.  I hope to be able to bring all of that this weekend as well as make a trip to Sally Ann to get rid of a donation box or two. (All about making some room in the house) 

Also, I should be able this weekend to go get my BBQ  (it was left at the rental as it was stuck in ice but now that all is melted and the rental is not yet rented I can go get some of my stuff!)  While there I will look to see if there is other outside stuff I can bring along (more of my bricks and maybe a perennial or two????)

Last year I had decided to make a nice arrangement outside, I spent a lot of money on the supplies (money I don't have anymore)  why should my landlord and future tenants get it?  I also bought quite a few perennials over the years, some nice ones maybe I could dig them out..              

I already brought the top layer with me, the lower one was frozen to the ground.  Well first I need to find a truck at a decent price to go get all of this, I will also need manpower (or woman power) as I may not be able to park very close and there is the digging.  We'll see. this might be too much of a project.  After all, it's just a few hundred dollars. I could so see where I would plant the bleeding hearts in the new place. The holly hocks too...  I will go buy the soil at Walmart though

Of course I am talking about going to get stuff that was supposed to be lost with the move.  It would be nice to not lose them after all but I should not not get my hopes up.  This early good weather has made some things possible we thought would not be possible (like cleaning the back yard...at the old place humm maybe even take the carpet?   NAW....)

Well I guess that is all my update for now.

Thanks for reading.

Daylight Savings Time and Letting Go of my Ego

Hello!

The last little while I have been a little hummm I guess busy is the word?

But it's not really busy, yes there has been some of that but it's also some pain and some tiredness.

Last weekend in Canada, we did the time change, we turned the clock back one hour.  Even though on Monday waking up an hour early seemed like nothing and the day went well, from Tuesday on, the adjustment didn't work so well.  To make matters worst, on Monday night I had forgotten to take my Gabapentin, so I had trouble falling asleep, and had trouble getting up in the morning.  It also means that on Tuesday I was in quite a bit of pain.


Bit   ---   of  --  pain    OK, maybe it was a tad more than a bit....  My legs were hurting so much that the act of driving home from work, pressing on the gas, breaks and clutch pedals had me on the brink of tears by the time I got home.  I had my daughter help me make supper.

Oh!  --- before I forget!   Last weekend, my son helped me with the dishes, without being asked or told to, he just DID!  He seems to be a tad more aware in the last two weeks or so.  He helped me a lot with some shopping I did for work and last night he helped putting the groceries away, (doing all the running up and down stairs) even though he had not really taken his pills is two/three days and was a little moody/aggressive.  He took his meds last night and hopefully he is back on track.  It seems like he is following a bit in his sister's footsteps as far as Teen drama is concerned. 


So yeah. the last little while I have been trying to avoid stress, try to manage my pain and tiredness, do my job which included training a new employee (if you can call what I did training...  I share some information and digressed a lot....)


I did cook a bit, made meatloaf (that was not quite right, I forgot to put in a valuable ingredient, but it did get fully eaten anyway)  and made some pretty nifty spaghetti sauce.  Kids were loving that.  I bought a lot of food this time round so maybe I'll "cook" more over the next few weeks.  I am trying to teach my kids economics.  If they understand the concept of saving money, it will help all of us.

Last night I watched the first episode of Oprah's Life Class.  I had already signed up and tried doing the lesson by myself a few weeks ago but had not fully understood the scope of it.  Last night I think I got it.

Letting go of my ego and letting the real me shine though.  This is going to be one very hard thing to do but I think it will be very beneficial to my depression and well being.  I can already see how this lesson and my trying to become myself rather than my ego will help do some more culling.  Maybe, with a little luck I can get my kids to learn the lesson along with me!

What is my ego?  By what do I define myself? What are the things that are barriers to being me, to be worthy of love?  Well like Oprah, I do have this weight thing going on.  The self esteem associated to my weigth is definitely something that is holding me back.  This will be the ego that might be the most difficult to let go.  It is an ego that society has definitely helped build.  I was listening on the radio this morning, they had a poll going on asking what people would prefer if they had a choice, get an extra $10 000 in debt or gain an extra 50 pounds.  Would you believe that 70% of the respondents were choosing the debt?  This is incredible to be.  This is how fat is viewed as a bad thing and how society treats those with extra pounds.  I am definitely part of that group and I was just discussing how poor Jessica Simpson will get crushed by the media once she gives birth.

The other part of my ego is possessions.  (you might want to check my post about hoarding)  I keep holding on to things and wanting to "get" things because I want to be defined by them.  Like possessing more stuff, will make me a better person, more loveable.  While watching Oprah last night I got an urge to purge...  I could think of a whole bunch of things that I do not need, that I need to get rid of.  The "just in case" mentality has to go.  I have not used them since I bought them I do not need them... that is that.  IF I have not used them in a few years I just may never need them anymore.  I still have almost all the boxes from when I moved, I can easily fill them up again and bring these things to some donation place.  This would be a good plan for this weekend.  Just might help me get rid of those strangling boxes a little everywhere in my house that I don't know what to do with them.  Watching the Oprah class last night really made me aware about this "sick" need to possess, to earn, to be defined by the things I have.  By the way, being defined as a hoarder is not exacly a good thing.

A third aspect to my ego (and my mom just hates when I talk about it) is my intelligence.  I need to be, to feel more intelligent that the average human. (and often fail  - ergo my depression)  I do have (or had) a higher than average I.Q.  So do my children and my brothers.  I derived an abnormal amount of pride in that simple fact.  That is not good.  Even though I have (or had) a "high I.Q." it has not made me a better person in any way.  It has not made me any more successful that a person with an average or lower than average I.Q.  It has not make me more loveable as I am single and can't be in a relationship.  I am not better functioning, nor doI understand anything a little better.  I must stop being offended when people assume I will not understand.

I think that these life classes just might be the key.  I will progress slowly, but I hope one day to be able to say like Jane Fonda that I am whole.

Well that's what I have been up to, thanks for reading!

Time Flies!

I came for a visit, figured I should give you all an update on the health situation...

Then I saw it had been a whole week since I had written anything!  Time flies!

Last Friday I went to see my doctor regarding my renal test results.  He said the second results were at an acceptable level for now, so no renal failure yet.

That's right, yet.

He did verify my blood pressure again.  He is the type of doctor that routinely does that at every visit.

Friday, my blood pressure was officially at stage 2 hypertension.  164/101.  This puts me at a risk for all kinds of things.

•damage of kidney cells (this leads to a renal failure)

•damage of the retina (this leads to serious vision impairment)

•damage of arterial walls

•strokes and heart attacks

•heart failure and death

The thing is, 6 month ago, my blood pressure was about 96/55 with a pulse of about oh, 65 or so.  About 4 months ago, my blood pressure went up to about 105/59 with a pulse of about 90.  (Something wrong?  I call it stress; you can look at blog posts from early November to understand what was going on.  You can even take a peek at some posts from October. )  Last month I was a little high (about 140/60), oddly only systolic was high, my diastolic was OK. My pulse was back down to 68. (Again let’s look at what has been going on in the last 3 months December, January and February).

 I know, my being overweight surely is not helping with the whole blood pressure thing, but I think stress is the real culprit.  I think part of my weight and my inability to lose the damn fat even though I eat healthy and not that much has something to do with all of this.  Yes I know that there has been no actual proof that stress can affect blood pressure, but keep on reading.

Sure there is the stop smoking (which BTW was a stress reducer for me and I have yet been able to find an alternative that works as well)  People who stop smoking do tend to gain weight.  Absolutely true.

Yes there are the meds, as mentioned in a previous post, the meds were not helping (lose weight), they even  made things worst.

I've also discussed the challenges I have faced with my son over the last few years. 

I have very briefly touched some other events over the last few years which have also been stressful.

• Two people I trusted left me with a lot of debts that I had to pay off, one was a little over $16,000.00 (child care and setting me up for fraud), the other around $8,000.00 (mostly by racking up my credit cards) putting me in debt of well over $24,000.00. I eventually paid it off when my son got his DTC, but it was quite rough going there for a while.  Rather than paying off the debts these people gave me, I could have used that money on a down payment, maybe even a trip!  I tried fighting the fraud but I was unable to submit the proof. (2009 to 2011)
• The person I considered my best friend threw away our friendship.  As I was living with her, the home situation became very awkward and difficult. (2008 to 2010) This is the equivalent of a divorce stress-wise.
• Another friend went a little too far with my son, destroying that trust, later bringing the CAS to investigate the family yet again...(2008 and 2011) CAS dropped out of the picture but STILL very stressful while it lasted.
• The job assignment I had recently where I was being back-stabbed every day.
• A bunch of other smaller stresses which are too many to list.

A friend of mine described what I had been through in the last little while as "went through a shit storm with half a roll of toilet paper... "  How do you like that imagery? She is about right.  I have to find opportunities to use this expression just like "May he/she choke on the smoke of his/her own burnt bridges" or something like that.

Anyways back to stress.  I have been researching stress, more specifically "chronic stress" and the stress hormone "cortisol"

According to Wikipedia, chronic stress is:

Chronic stress is the response to emotional pressure suffered for a prolonged period over which an individual perceives he or she has no control. It involves an endocrine system response in which occurs a release of corticosteroids. If this continues for a long time, it can cause damage to an individual's physical and mental health.

Wikipedia also describes cortisol:

Cortisol (hydrocortisone) is a steroid hormone, more specifically a glucocorticoid, produced by the zona fasciculata of the adrenal gland.[1] It is released in response to stress and a low level of blood glucocorticoids. Its primary functions are to increase blood sugar through gluconeogenesis; suppress the immune system; and aid in fat, protein and carbohydrate metabolism.

It suppresses the immune system by "muting" the white blood cells. Another function is to decrease bone formation.

Wait a minute, back up there. Cortisol which is produced during stress aids in FAT metabolism?

So chronic stress might have helped me GAIN weight and being OVERWEIGHT is a known factor in Hypertension.  Chronic stress affects sleep patterns, another thing that contributes to weight gain.  See where I am going here???

I took two stress tests, one from Stressnet and another from Holmes and Rahe.  You can find those results here and here.

I have come to the conclusion that if I were to reduce my level of cortisol (i.e. stress) i might be able to get my weight under control as well as my blood pressure.  If I don't get my blood pressure under control I obviously will not live to see the age of 50.  I might not even see the age 45!

How do I reduce my stress?

1. I need to be financially safe. (not going to happen unless I meet Mr. Right and he moves in and shares the financial responsibilities.  Since Mr. Right doesn't exist, this one is not possible)
2. I need to stop moving (as in house).  I need to get my home all nice and settle and stop living in limbo. This means get the boxes unpacked; get the furniture in the right rooms. Everybody in my house needs to get their shit done, everybody needs to help!
3.  The house needs to get cleaned up, the chores done.  I can't keep facing massive amounts of work and a messy environment all the time.  Living in a chaotic house increases my stress.  Dishes and food belong in the kitchen, coats in the bedroom or entrance, dishes need to be washed and put away, litter boxes need to be cleaned, vacuuming needs to be done, so does sweeping and picking up stuff from the floor.  Garbage needs to be put in bins, not tables and floor.  I can't always be me, and it needs to be done more than once a month or so, these things need to be done daily or weekly!
4. I need to reduce the drama (another that is unlikely to happen, actually none of these are likely to happen).
5. I need to stop worrying about the kids (My son's future, my daughter's safety when she doesn't come home for over 24 hours and doesn't tell us anything).
6. I need to move more (as in my body)  Dance, walk, swim.  Have fun while doing it.
7. While we are at it, have FUN!  Do things I ENJOY, find time to craft, decorate, paint. Sing more.  Not just be overloaded with responsibilities,  not always feeling like the chores won't get done if I don't do them.
8. Be less angry all the time.  One of the things that makes me the most angry is people not doing the things they are supposed to be doing.

It can be so easy to make me happy (I can hear my kids say that's not so), yet I am sad and frustrated all the time.  I have no plans on reducing my blood pressure through medications.  Either it comes down naturally or not at all. 

With high blood pressure, a heart attack or stroke can happen so easily, so quickly.   The good news is I don't need to kill myself anymore to escape this life, it's happening naturally!  It's just a question of years.

On the plus side my doctor did give me a medical certificate for the ergonomic assessment for my cubicle at work, now on to the work fitness.

Thanks for reading.

 

Stressnet

Overall Score

This score is a measure of overall emotional well-being. Your score is 2.33 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted. Your score indicates that you are similar to people who report that they have benefited from intense psychological care.

Quality of Life Score

This is a measure of how happy or satisfied you are with your life, including overall self-esteem, health, friends and family, and work or school. Your score is 1.8 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted.

Symptom Distress Score

This score measures your symptoms of depression, anxiety, and hostility. Your score is 2.56 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted.

Level of Functioning Score

This is a measure of how well you are able to get along in the community. Your score is 2.75 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted.
 To review, your scores are similar to those of people who report that they have benefited from intense psychological care. If you would like to discuss your results further, please contact BHC (toll-free) at (866) 463-6242. If we can't help you directly, we will help you find a provider in your area.

Keep in mind that other sources of help, such as friends and family, may be available. We do recommend that people seek out help if their StressTest scores are low (in the "extremely stressed" range). People who do not score low may still wish to seek out help to better deal with difficult stressors in their lives.

StressTest has emphasized interpersonal help. However, we also understand the importance of proper rest and exercise, relaxation strategies, and religious faith as important contributors to emotional well-being.

 It is important to note that all of these are in the RED zone.  I had some pretty pictures but blogger would not take them.

Holmes and Rahe

Holmes and Rahe stress scale

This is a list of stressful events in your life which have different number values to show the pressure that it ads to your life.   Sit back, take a moment, and review your life over the past 1 to 2 years.  Go through the following list.  Circle those stressful events that you have happened or are taking place in your life. 

Life event	Life change units
Minor violation of law	11
Christmas	12
Vacation	13
Change in number of family reunions	15
Change in eating habits	15
Change in sleeping habits	16
Minor mortgage or loan	17
Change in social activities	18
Change in recreation	19
Change in church activities	19
Change in schools	20
Change in working hours or conditions	20
Change in residence	20
Trouble with boss	23
Revision of personal habits	24
Change in living conditions	25
Spouse starts or stops work	26
Begin or end school	26
Outstanding personal achievement	28
Trouble with in-laws	29
Change in responsibilities at work	29
Child leaving home	29
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan	30
Major mortgage	32
Change in frequency of arguments	35
Change to different line of work	36
Death of a close friend	37
Change in financial state	38
Gain a new family member	39
Sexual difficulties	39
Business readjustment	39
Pregnancy	40
Change in health of family member	44
Marital reconciliation	45
Retirement	45
Dismissal from work	47
Marriage	50
Personal injury or illness	53
Imprisonment	63
Death of a close family member	63
Marital separation	65
Divorce	73
Death of a spouse	100

This scale shows the kind of life pressure that you are facing. Depending on your coping skills or the lack thereof, this scale can predict the likelihood that you will fall victim to a stress related illness. The illness could be mild - frequent tension headaches, acid indigestion, loss of sleep to very serious illness like ulcers, cancer, migraines and the like.

My score was 403, this means:

LIFE STRESS SCORES

• 0-149 Low susceptibility to stress-related illness

• 150-299 Medium susceptibility to stress-related illness.

Learn and practice relaxation and stress management skills and a healthy well life style.

• 300 and over High susceptibility to stress-related illness

Daily practice of relaxation skills is very important for your wellness. Take care of it now before a serious illness erupts or an affliction becomes worse. Bottom of Form