The End of a Year, The End of an Era

So here we are, December 31, 2011

This year is almost over, and again I find myself wondering if the new year will bring something better than the year that is ending.

I have been wishing and hoping that same wish for many years now, and each year has been a huge disappointment.

Of course each year has just enough positive in it to prevent it from being a complete waste.

What were the positives of the year 2011 do you say?

Well lets see....

• All of us are still alive
• They finally gave my son a name to what ails him (again) but no help or treatment on the horizon
• I still have a job ( the same one I have not been appreciating for a while, BUT I saw something worst, so I guess it's good)
• I was able to buy my house (the purchase is final in 2012, so id this really a 2011 thing?)
• I have some good friends

Oh I give up, it would be so much easier to start listing all the bad things.

So here we go, wishing 2012 is an improvement, hope the new house (without mold) will help my health.  Hope the high new tub will help relax my muscles.

Hope the new stove works better.

Hope that even though the money will get much tighter (too tight actually) that we will still be able to make it without loosing anything (like the car).

Hope the move goes better than things are looking now. (not packed enough, furniture not ready to go...)

Black Mold In House Suspected.

We moved in this house in 2005.

When we moved in this house, our landlord had the bathtub changed.  They forgot to seal the overflow drain...

So we moved in and with my love of baths, I took my usual extra full soaks.  After a few, we noticed that water was leaking in the basement (the bathtub was on the first level) when I took my bath.

We realized that then that the overflow was not sealed and the water was flowing into the walls, down the main floor to the basement.

The wall it flowed down was the wall joining the kitchen with the living room.

We contacted the landlord and even though workers came to do some repairs, the bathtub was not sealed.  Tired of waiting, we eventually sealed the overflow drain ourselves.

A few months later (Around Xmas) we noticed that there was mold on the wall and ceiling in the kitchen.

Again we contacted the landlord to mention a list of things needing repairs.  Workers came and did some weather stripping but did not look into the mold in the walls.  We asked a few times then gave up.

As some of you know, I recently bought a house, so I will be moving shortly.  I mentioned that I hope the landlord would finally fix the mold issue before renting to new tenants.  A friend mentioned that it was not wonder I was sick if I had been living with mold for several years.

So I decided to look into this whole mold thing...

Regarding the symptoms of black mold poisoning, you do not have to have all of them, if you've been exposed to toxic black mold. You may have just one or two symptoms.  Most people with significant exposure to toxic mold have more than two or three symptoms. They usually have 10 to 15!

• muscle pain, cramps, burning, unusual shooting (ice pick-like) pains
• headaches
• fatigue, weakness, flu-like symptoms, fever, chills
• shortness of breath, cough
• abdominal pain, diarrhea
• chronic sinusitis, sore throat
• burning eyes, red eyes, sensitivity to light
• difficulty with thought processes, memory loss, loss of concentration, confusion, disorientation, “brain fog”
• dizziness, balance problems
• metallic taste in mouth
• numbness and tingling
• night sweats
• temperature regulation problems
• excessive thirst and urination
• rash
• excessive menstrual bleeding
• mylar flush (face flushing)…. I had this…people thought I looked healthy because of it.
• chest pains
• IgA nephropathy (kidney disease)
• Increased infections

Less Common Symptoms of Black Mold Poisoning

• The sensation that you are going to pass out
• Panic attacks
• Tremors
• Attention deficit disorder
• Vision problems
• Swollen lymph nodes
• Anxiety, depression
• Difficulty losing weight (in detoxifier types)
• Ringing in the ears
• Hearing loss
• Chronic fatigue
• Multiple chemical sensitivity (stachybotrys and chaetomium)
• Nose bleeds and pulmonary hemorrhaging (stachybotrys)
• Bruising, hives
• Infertility, miscarriage
• Fibromyalgia
• Chronic fatigue
• Multiple sclerosis like symptoms
• Dirt like taste in mouth
• Cancer
• Hair loss
• Joint pains
• Irregular heart beat
• Heart attack
• Seizure
• Muscle twitching
• Anaphylaxis on re-exposure to toxic molds
• Air hunger, can’t get a deep breath
• Child development delays
• Lateness
• Apathy
• Difficulty handling any kind of stress
• Mood swings, irritability
• Frequent upper respiratory infections
• Sensitivity to sound
• Nausea, vomiting
• New food allergies
• Jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes)
• Poor insight into illness
• Stomach ulcers

Now as you all know, I have CFS and FMS....

It started getting bad about a year after I had moved into this home (so about a year after exposure to this mold?) and has gotten progressively worst.  I think if you read some of my past posts, you will see that I have MANY of the symptoms above...  I don't know if I mentioned I am always out of breath but definitely another to add to the list...

I have noticed that both of my kids are always tired and low energy, I have often wondered if what I have was not somehow genetic, and if so, why were they already affected, when I really only got hit in my 30's.

They also are both prone to dizzy spells and  (especially my daughter). 

My daughter also has:

• chronic sinusitis 
• dizziness and balance problems
• almost passes out...
• temperature regulation problems
• increased infections
• chronic headaches
• nose bleeds
• mood swings
• new food allergies
• nausea

My son :

• dizziness and balance problems
• temperature regulation problems
• chronic headaches
• mood swings
• anxiety
• developmental delays
• chest pains

just to name a few of the symptoms that have appeared in the last 5 years...

So now I can't help but wonder... maybe the mold should be tested....

I have asked for a city inspector's opinion...

What do you think?

Thanks for reading....

Pretty Amazing.... Maybe?

Ever since the day recently where I was ready to throw in the towel...

Actually I can't say I am anywhere near out of the woods, I am very much struggling but hiding it well...

I have been trying to connect with people who know, who understand.

I've been doing this by reading the blogs of people with either Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia. (See links to other blogs on my page up above...)

I am torn between thinking "OMG, poor them, their life sounds so difficult!" and "Oh wow, I must be a pretty damn amazing person to be able to do all that I do, every day, every hour (no matter how little it seems to me) because I am able to do so much more than these people".

But with a condition like Fibromyalgia (FMS) and Chronic Fatigue (CFS) where symptoms cannot be measured, how can we tell who has it worst?

With blindness or diabetes, there are physical aspects that can be measured to determine who is more blind or who has a bigger problem, but with FMS or CFS, they are diagnosis's of exclusions.  Essentially, they did not find anything to explain our pain, our fatigue or any of other other symptoms.

So, by not having anything to measure our levels, how can we honestly say that I have less pain than the person next to me.  Can I say I have more?

Does the fact that I manage to do more mean that I am automatically in less pain or less tired?

I wish there was a way to measure, to prove, to tell.

As it is, the general consensus is that I am lazy and don't have much guts? will?  (there is no good translation for the expression I am looking for ~~ coeur au ventre~~)

Then there are the doubters, those who think I don't REALLY have CFS or FMS.  They think I am just using it as an excuse.

There is another group of people who think, feel, know (or think they do) that if we were to address the mental trauma that caused the CFS or FMS, that it would go away.  It's merely our unwillingness to face some psychological issue that is the cause of all our issues...

If I had someone to take care of me, if I had a doctor who was willing to believe my pain, my exhaustion, if I had an option to survive without working, would they understand more?  Would they get it?

Looks from many of the blogs I read that they don't get it even under those circumstances.

I live with pain every day. A lot of pain.  I drink massive amounts of caffeine to be able to stay alert, to function at least enough to do my job.  I spend a fortune on a mixture of Ibuprofen (400 mg) Acetaminophen (400mg) and Naproxen (200mg) several times a day.  I take (now) 600mg of Gabapentin but it does not help every day, it helps less and less but makes me light headed.

None of it helps the depression, I cannot take SSRIs nor SNRIs as they cause manias and I refuse to take all the other meds (mood stabilizers) that make me gain weight (Gabapentin causes weight gain too, but less)

Functioning every day is very difficult, but it seems like very few are even willing to acknowledge how hard it may be for me.

Seems like I am not alone in having a hard time being understood.  Yeah it does make me feel a bit better, but not by much.


Thanks for reading.

Interesting article

Found this article while researching ways to die.

The Ten Minutes Suicide Guide

Interesting that the age stated is 38 (or less than)


I may create the list, or try as suggested.



BTW Thanks you Jojosek for the kind words yesterday..


I don't agree with them but I appreciate the thought and the time you took out of your life to reach out to me.

This would be a better world if more people were like you.  You let this be about me, you didn't turn it about you..

So thank you.

That's all for today.

Putting Your Foot Down and Voicing Your Needs

So as you all know by now, my depression is full out.

This decision to buy a house was a really bad idea.  Would not have been such a bad idea if I had bought we were living in but this whole moving thing was just a really bad idea.

I should never have done it, if I could go back in time I would tell myself that even though my dream was attainable it was a horrible thing.

I should have realized that one cannot do something for themselves, especially when they are weak and depressed and tired.

I thought that attaining my dream of home ownership would give me a much needed boost, but rather this whole packing and moving has pushed me beyond depression and exhaustion to burnout.

Stupid of me.  So utterly stupid.

What made me think this would be possible?  What made me think I even deserved it?

I am a failure as a mother, and employee, a friend and as a person.

Somewhere along the line I even lost my voice.  I can't speak out anymore.  Every time I speak out I get either in trouble or ignored.  I write, because writing does not involve immediate confrontation, does not involve immediate drama.

I can't take any form of confrontation or drama anymore.  I just feel like rolling up in a little ball and dying.

Doctors won't treat me because I don't deserve treatment, I don't deserve a chance.

I am not like every one else.  I take the easy path these days, the path of least resistance because I can't find the will and motivation to take the harder path anymore.  I used to demand to be treated fairly, but there has always been too much push back.

I ask, I ask I ask but I don't get  They don't hear me.  People see me struggle and just watch.

Of course there ARE a few exeptions to the rule, some people hear and they try to reach out.  I see those people, but I am so deep into the abyss now that they can't reach me.  Those who could don't really bother, they are stuck in their own ways, convinced they are doing the right thing, yet doing harm.

I've been crying since last night.  I see everything crumbling around me.  Everything is dying.

So I have thought a lot about dying.  The way I see it, it IS my only way out.  I have been waiting for years for things to get better.  I have tried being what people wanted me to be, but I just could not fit in the box.  I stopped asking and demanding  and started giving in but it still was not good enough.  I tried smiling trough the tears, I tried looking at the silver linings, I tried being patient.  I tried positive thinking, I tried writing it out, I tried so many things to fit in this world.  I just don't.  I tried sticking around for the kids, for the family, but I have outlived my usefulness.  They don't need me anymore, I have outlived my usefulness and I am now just holding them back.

So last night I was thinking, maybe I should just tell my daughter to move out, maybe with some of her friends, get a job and let her decide if she really wants her education or not.  If she really wants it, she'll work for it, if she doesn't well she can drop out.  Let her decide her life. And she can bring all her stuff.  Then I should call CAS and have them come and take my son.  They can also take whatever supplies he needs in his new home.  Then quit my job and look at what's left, throw out all useless stuff and pack away the stuff which can still be usefull to someone else.  Have a charity with a bigh truck come and pick up everything.

Once all the possessions are gone, get enough cat food to last the remaining cats at least a month, leave a tap on for them to have water, fill up all the cat litter boxes with fresh litter and then either go drive into a wall at high speed or slit my wrists.

I can't decide which one I want yet.  Die driving or die with my blood slowly oozing out of my wrist with my cats around me.  I have everything I need for either option.

It's so easy to write all this, but I can't say it, I can't talk about it.  I have been told too many times that people just don't want to hear these things, I have become massively uncomfortable about voicing any of these things.  I don't have a voice, I don't feel that what I have to say matters or makes a difference.

Nasty Fibro Day

Yesterday was one of those days for sure.

I am not the only fibro sufferer in my area to have felt it, so there MUST have been something in the air in the last few days.

I know I had one of my own personal triggers, (Monthlies, yeah ewww!) one that affects all of my conditions and multiplies them tenfold.

I however do not think that was the only thing gong on because of the other sufferers out there.  They certainly did not have my trigger going on and they still had flares without warning.

For me, my day started with waking up to back pain.

I have to admit, it had been a while since I had truly woken up to back pain.  The gabapentin was definitely keeping that at bay until yesterday.  At least I think it was the gabapentin..  It might just have been a coincidence.  Now remember, the gabapentin was prescribed by my psychiatrist for the depression and bipolar.  Well so far it's having zero effect on the depression, it has not been getting any better.

Hummm, that's not quite true, technically, being less "tired", sleeping better and having less pain did have in itself a positive effect on my mood, how could it not?  This positive effect was not enough to lift me out of my depression as the problems have continued to increase and multiply.  The stress level has also continued to go up.  Pain wise, well the whole sprained ankle (2nd degree double sprain thank you) kinda prevented me from full pain relief.

So back to yesterday, I woke up with nasty back pain.  The kind that shoots down your legs and makes walking difficult.  It's called sciatica I believe?  I got up and slowly walked down the stairs hugging the ramp and the walk as I went down.  The legs were hurting pretty bad, and with the ankle protesting it took all I had not to cry out.

I have to admit I was trying to remember I had or not taken the gabapentin the day before.  Indeed I had taken it I was sure, both doses, the morning one and another before bed.  No reason for me to be in so much pain.

I also had my neck and shoulder pain.  Those with fibro probably know this pain, it's right beneath the shoulder blade   Feels like someone hit us with a large mace.  It radiates.

The ulnar nerve in my right arm was also flaring and it seemed like every injury I had ever had was new and fresh.

So yesterday, even though I wanted to do some cleaning and packing, I did very little.  I vacuumed for sure, cleaned the cat litters upstairs, checked all the requirements for the forms I needed to submit, but did actually get around to getting all the stuff together..  I did state packing a box in the basement, clean a little bit in the basement and start a load of laundry (out of the 10 I needed to do).

When my daughter came home from her university exam (yeah, she has exams early in the morning on Saturday and late on Sunday evening, HOW TOTALLY SUCKY RIGHT?) we went out for errands and a bit bit of holiday shopping for the cats.  We did 7 stores in 4 hours and I spent way too much money.

Came back home to my son having his friend over.. argh.  I was in so much pain at that point from all the walking all I wanted to do was sit in my recliner.  I have a recliner that massages you know, but rarely use it.

Making supper was so totally out of the question, we went out to Subway.  I had a tuna sandwich.  People I never have tuna sandwich, I think my body was giving me that craving for some of it's nutritional properties... (Omega Acids maybe?)

Anyway, that was my yesterday,  too many of my days / weekends wind up being like this.

As my neighbour says, that is not a life.  One does have to live and somehow find a way to be happy.

As usual, thanks for reading!

Visit to the psychiatrist today

So I had my appointment with my psychiatrist today.  I was expecting to have the new prescription.

Turns out she decided to change her mind about the Lamotrigine.  She has gone back to the off label use to of gababentin to control my moods, and help with my depression.

My depression has gotten worst (partially due to life events) since starting that medication and I was looking forward to the Lamotrigine for many reasons.

This has dealt a serious blow to my already unstable mood.

The hope was keeping me going,. now I don't have that to go on.

I was also supposed to get counseling from her team, something I need big ime, but that has also been put on the back burner.  It was suggested that I pay for the service.

I don't have issues with paying for the service per say, if I had the money to pay for the service.

I actually did pay over $6,000.00 out of pocket in 2011 for counseling services along with massage therapy and physiotherapy out of pocket.  My insurance was not covering enough., only covered the first few visits which covered barely the tip of the iceberg.

I need to be able to pay rent (mortgage) and buy food for myself and the kids.

I am exhausted beyond beleif, at my wits end and at the end of my rope.  With no help in sight.

She asks about my suicidal tendancies. I feel very uncomfortable talking about my wish to die.

Suicide is something people do, not something they talk about.

At least when one trule has a wish to die.  I am really getting tired of trying to get help, of having my hopes dashed.

I can't help but ask myself if any of this is really worth it anymore, why fight when nothing ever happens and things just keep getting worst all the time.

Why bother?

First Rate movers NOT First Rate at all!!!!

 See this email chain below, this guy needs an attitude adjustment.  The right answer would have been nothing OR a "again we apologize"

On Wed, Dec 7, 2011 at 12:59 PM, Vicki Mercier <vicki_mercier> wrote:</vicki_mercier>

MOVING DATE: Saturday, 21st January 2012 REFERRED BY: Google Yahoo PACKING REQUIRED: No

CONTACT INFORMATION

Name:  Vicki Mercier Company:               N/A Email:          vicki_mercier@hotmail.com Phone:      

ORIGIN LOCATION

 DESTINATION LOCATION

  

FURNITURE & APPLIANCES

  

SPECIAL NOTES

Aquariums in the home are being moved by owners and not included in move date.

 Both house are basement, level and upper.

 Some items left in home to be removed by charities.

From: Matt Guest

Sent: Wednesday, December 14, 2011 10:58 PM

To: vicki_mercier@hotmail.com

Subject: Estimate for your upcoming move on Jan.21, 2012.

Hi Vicki,

Sorry for the delay in responding to your request. I had accidentally marked your e-mail as having been read.

The following is an estimate for using our services to complete your upcoming relocation. Please reply with your acceptance of the following terms in order to book a moving crew.

Note - your estimated cost would be around $150 lower if you were to move on the following Monday instead.

ESTIMATE

The rate for the moving crew will be $160 per hour for 3 movers and a truck with 24 foot cargo hold for approximately 9 hours of moving time. There is a 4 hour minimum for moving time plus an additional charge of 1 hour at the same rate for travel time. Travel time covers the cost of getting the crew to the job and back to the office at the end of the job. Billing is pro-rated in 15 minute increments after the minimum hours have lapsed. Bed bags, couch wrap, and use of up to 3 wardrobe boxes are also included in the hourly rate. Your minimum charge will be $800 plus tax and your estimated cost around $1600 plus tax.

Thank you for considering our services and do not hesitate to contact us should you have any questions or concerns.

Regards,

  

Matt Guest

General Manager

First Rate Movers Inc.

www.firstratemovers.com

613-260-0505 or 1-866-442-0505

Proud member of:

Better Business Bureau

 Canadian Association of Movers

Canadian Federation of Independent Business

On Thu, Dec 15, 2011 at 5:42 PM, Vicki Mercier <vicki_mercier> wrote:</vicki_mercier>

  

I went with a company that got back to me (call and email) within 24 hours

Figured you guys don’t need business.

From: Matt Guest

Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2011 9:08 PM

To: Vicki Mercier

Subject: Re: Estimate for your upcoming move on Jan.21, 2012.

Hi Vicki,

Perhaps you missed my statement, "Sorry for the delay in responding to your request. I had accidentally marked your e-mail as having been read."

This was a mistake, not an act of ignorance or a blatant demonstration that we don't care about your business.

As well, the response page that appears when you submit an estimate request says "If planning to move within the next 60 days, you might consider calling our office.

We often book up to a few months in advance and availability may be very limited."

As it turns out, the 21st is one of the few days we have left available is January. Had you called as we suggested, we would have given you an estimate over the phone, searched for and found your request, and then responded with an estimate for you by e-mail as well (likely that same day).

Again, I apologize for the mistake but these things happen from time to time.

Regards,

  

Matt Guest

General Manager

First Rate Movers Inc.

www.firstratemovers.com

613-260-0505 or 1-866-442-0505

Proud member of:

Better Business Bureau

 Canadian Association of Movers

Canadian Federation of Independent Business

From: Vicki Mercier

Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2011 9:20 PM

To: Matt Guest

Subject: Re: Estimate for your upcoming move on Jan.21, 2012.

Hi Matt,

I did try calling, for several days.

Always a voicemail

Eventually left a voicemail, and still took you a few days to call back.  Yes I did read that part, but it still took you long and it’s not possible to speak to a live person when you call.

This response of yours to my statement shows a lack of professionalism, I am now happy I went with another company

It’s still many days too late.  When you called back and left a message on my work phone  (two days later) it was also too late.

It might have been a mistake, but this email is not.

Thank you for the response.

Who has it better

I was reminded recently that I had a much better life than my daughter at the same age.

For the most part, I cannot disagree.

By comparison, my daughter did not have it anywhere near as easy.

 

Me	Daughter
I had both parents and we were far from poor.  We lived a luxurious life.	Her dad was not there, her mom (me) was poor.  Not just poor, dirt poor.
My mom pretty much knew what she was doing, she had two kids before me and many younger siblings before that.	Her mom (me) did not really know what she (I) was doing, I was the baby of the family and my daughter  was my first.
I lived in three houses until I was 18, went to 2 schools.  Quite stable	My daughter by the age of 18 had lived in a total of 10 places,  and went to 8 schools. Quite unstable.
We lived in a nice house with a large back yard.  It was a village so there were very little dangers and almost everything was within walking distance.	Most were appartments, with no yard, some were quite small (1 bedroom with 2 kids).  Lived in cities and towns far from everything.
I had access to an arena and a lake.	Little access to recreation. (well there was this water park they liked for 2 years)
I had stable older brothers (Baby)	She has an unstable younger brother (Eldest)
I got bullied	She got bullied
I was very protected	She suffered severe trauma
I rarely accessed my relatives	She saw her relatives on a regular basis
I did sports a plenty, band in high-school	She did not do sports, she did do a bit of music and cadets.
Travelled very little but did a lot of car rides around town	Travelled very little but did a lot of car rides in Ottawa area
I had a stay at home mom	Her mom (me) worked almost all the time, even shift work and weekends.
Was allowed to have a boyfriend at 11	Was also allowed to have a boyfriend at 11
Kicked out of house when just 18	Still living at home at 19
Had to pay for all my studies	Mom paid for 1rst year university, helped with second
Mom skipped graduation from high-school	Mom went to highschool graduation
Mom skipped college graduation, so did I	Mom has NO INTENTION of skipping university graduation
Mom attended some games/ shows but not all.	Mom skipped some shows (tulip festival) but not all
Went camping a few times	Rarely went camping
Did not visit museums	Visited museums regularly
Went shopping often (Malls)	Went shopping often (Second hand stores)

There are so many more comparisons that can be made between the two of us, but indeed, I did generally have the better childhood (0 to 16).  I hope to make up for it by making sure she has a better young adulthood (16 to 25).

Not an easy task with my disabilities and her brother.
Wish me luck

And thanks for reading.

Struggling today

I had a hard time getting up this morning.

True I have a hard time getting up EVERY morning, but this morning was tougher.

I am getting more and more exhausted.

Physically, emotionally and intellectually.

I can't even blame the holidays this year because I am not really doing the holidays.

The packing, I am sure  could be used as an excuse, but at the moment, it's only the thought of it and the stress about it that can be used as I am not really packing.

I want the children to come and do some of it with me, but they don't.  We have the boxes and if we all work together it would be done very quickly.  It would then be over.

But as it is, it is not getting done.

It is freezing rain outside.

Freezing rain affects me negatively.  Somehow I hurt more and am more depressed when it is cold or wet.

Freezing rain is cold AND wet.

I also forgot to take my pills this morning.  That is not helping the pain.

Plus I am more prone to being in pain at this time, also more prone to be tired.

So maybe that's it.

I also feel so overwhelmed with everything.

I don't know if I should be, but I am, it just seems like too much for me.

Maybe it would be a breeze for someone else to get everything that needs to get done, done.

To me it's seems like so much more than I can handle.

Yes I am being a wimp, and possibly even lazy.

What do you think?

I technically work 9 hours a day plus 1.5 hours travel time.  Unless I have appointments.

The extra hour is to make up for the time I have to take off for appointments.

I typically have a minimum of 3 appointments per week.  That's a lot you say?  I agree, it's a lot and it stresses me.  Why do I have so many appointments you say, well let's break it down.

My son has appointments with all kinds of people. 

• School (1 per week)
• Psychiatrist (1 per month)
• Family doctor (3 per year)
• Social Worker 1 (at least 1 per month)
• Social Worker 2 (at least 1 per month)
• Social Worker 3 (at least 1 per month)  (Each social worker has a different purpose, one works with him and is attached to the hospital, the other two are from agencies that work with people with disabilities)
• Dentist (at least 1 per month) He has many cavities lately.
• Orthodontist (1 per week lately but usually 1 per month)

Me

• Family doctor (1 per month)
• Psychiatrist (at least 1 per month)
• Counseling (at least 1 per month)
• Dentist
• Lawyer (once biweekly lately then it will drop off)
• Real estate agent (once biweekly but it will drop off)
• Mortgage broker (once biweekly but will drop off)
• Massage therapist (should be every two weeks but don't have the time)
• Physiotherapist (should be every two weeks but don't have the time)

My daughter also has sporadic stuff but she can mostly handle her own

I also have "homework" from some of those above, to do at home, forms that needs to be filled out on a regular basis.  A LOT OF FORMS.

I also have to pack, 3 bedroom house with way too much stuff, still some culling to do.

Still have a lot of cleaning, regular stuff like vacuuming, dishes, laundry... but also some deep cleaning in preparation for the move (Fridge, stove, chest freezer, cupboards etc...).

Still have to do the errands (shopping for food, supplies, meds, etc...)

Clean up the front and back yards.  (I know it's late but since it's not snowing yet, it's not TOO late, I did pull out the garden lights...)

Now remember, I still have the sprained ankle, the fibromyalgia, the chronic fatigue, the challenge of a PDD-NOS / ODD child who is violent and rather unreasonable.  I still am bipolar and a single mom.


Oh I know, I am whining...  and I wimp... it's really not so much, I just need to eat better, sleep less waste less time and get on with it, plenty of time to get it all done

And you are right, there is.  There is even time to decorate and bake for the holidays...

I just can't bring myself to do all of this.  I am after all superwoman, I keep my cape in my underwear drawer.


Well thanks for reading.

Catering to the Masses

So when is it a good idea to cater to the masses, and when is it not?

Is it ever a good thing?

Take for example this blog, that I have meant to be a representation of myself.

With this blog, I am committing a massive no-no....

I am writing a light colour on a dark background.  I could choose the write a dark colour on a light background to make people like my blog more.  However, to me that means I need to bend my will again, to camouflage myself, to blend in to contort myself into a box that doesn't fit me to be accepted.

Telling me that I will not have any success as a blogger simply because I will not write dark on a light background is like telling Monet that his technique will never gather crowds as he doesn't paint like other people.  Telling Picasso that his art has no value because his pictures are not an exact representation as the masses see it.

Someday I may decide to change these things, but it will be because as a person, a human, I will finally have stepped out of darkness and into the light.

Depression is a dark place.  It is not a light place.  I am not in a good place in my life right now, I am in a dark place.

My blog represents me.  It shows my darkness.  It shows my beliefs, it represents the person I have not allowed myself to be.  I am speaking my mind here in a way that I have been too much of a wimp to do ever before.

There are plenty of occasions where one almost has no choice to cater to the masses.  Work is one example.  Of course you could also choose to be fired over it, but generally speaking there is much catering to be done.

You could also argue that it's not original to write light on dark background.  It has been done before by many and often.  Actually in school, did they not use white chalk on a blackboard?

Wait, what??????

In school, as early as grade school, children are taught to read and manage it very well, with light coloured writing on a dark surface....

DOS based computer programs also use light writing on a dark background.

Wow!

Maybe those who have such issues with light writing on a dark surface have some subconscious issue with being reminded of grade school.

And no, you are right it's not original.  At all.  I am not original either, not trying to be original, just trying to be ME.  Two very different things.

I have researched successful blogging.  I have taken as much of the advice as I could without starting to feel that awkwardness, that the product was no longer made of me, but made of strangers.

My blog is also an evolving product and I will be (I hope) evolving as well.  The colours will change, the words will change, the labels will change and so will the atmosphere.  Through it all, it will be me, as I am in that moment in time.

I doubt I will ever use a yellow backgroung with red writing or vice versa, that will probably never be me.

Well thanks for reading.

Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings

Yesterday, I was reading the comment section of an article.  I mentioned in a previous post that I tend to be more interested in the comment section than the articles.

Sometimes I just cannot believe what some people have the GALL to put out there.  So much hate and viciousness with a good does of denial?  There are a lot of misinformed people with some pretty nasty opinions.

Take this winter holiday debate.  The Christians are coming out in full force these last few years with the Merry Christmas thing.  They are telling people that if they don't celebrate Christmas to "go home", to get the hell out of THEIR country.

I find that extremely small minded.

It sounds like a lot of these comments come from non practicing Christians to boot!

I read this somewhere: 

Christians seem to have a really hard time with that concept lately.

I don't have an issue with Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noël, Felice Navidad, Happy Hannukah and al nom,.

I'll wish them to you if I know what you celebrate, if I don't, I will say Happy Holidays.

I don't mind people wishing me Merry Christmas, if I am allowed to respond with Have a Merry Yule, or hope you enjoy the Solstice, or even Happy Saturnalia!  What I find is that people generally do not accept my greeting, they want me to abide by their religion.

That's right, I am not Christian, yet I am Canadian.

I and my ancestors have been in Canada for a very long time.  My Caucasian ancestors can be traced back to the 1600's, and my Native American ancestors can be traced back MUCH FURTHER THAN ANYONE TELLING TO GET OUT OF THEIR COUNTRY OR TO GO HOME!

I AM HOME, THIS IS MY COUNTRY.  I am allowed by MY Charter of rights and Freedoms to practice my own religion.

If I want Father winter and Mother earth rather than Santa and angels, let me.  I let you have your beliefs and decorations, give me the space to enjoy mine.

I hate it when people come in my home and criticize how I decorate my home, for the simple reason that it is not done the way they think it should be done, that it is not in the colour or theme they like.  Do I go in your home and do that?  No because I show respect when I am in your home.  I will even make an effort to compliment something about your home.

Also the argument that I take a paid day off on your holiday.  If you gave me a paid day off on my holiday, I would gladly work at regular time on your holiday.  BTW Boxing day is not a religious holiday in this country.  But it would be much too complicated to give every beleif system a paid day off on their holiday, so everyone gets the same day.

Please remember that December 25th is based on a pagan festival, and scriptures actually indicate that Christ was actually more than likey born in May or April.  So December 25th is not even a TRUE Christian holiday if you look at it that way, it is mearely a tradition based on a pagan festival.

I could rant about all this for hours.  I am in a fed up of non acceptance mode, I have been dealing with it for much too long.  But I will leave it at this for now.

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas...Hannukah... Kwanzaa... Yule... Saturnalia... Soltice...Pancha Ganapati... Yalda... Dies Natalis Solis Invicti... Malanka... Festivus...Human Light... and so many more I have missed...

The Importance of Beauty

Many studies have been done on the importance of beauty.  It is a proven fact that beautiful people get more advantages in life.

Beautiful people are more deserving of love.

Beautiful people are viewed as smarter.

Beautiful people are given more opportunities.

Beautiful people elicit more support during hard times.

Beautiful people are forgiven their faults easier.

Read the following articles to be convinced:

- The Advantage of Beauty

- The advantages of beauty

- Do Beautiful People Get Treated Better?

- Face Value

These articles are just the tip of the iceberg.  There are so many more articles written some much more scientific.

The world treats ugly people like second class citizens.  Even families treat the ugly duckling among them like crap.

I have been considered pretty

Worthy of support

Desired

Intelligent

and I have been considered ugly

Lazy

Unworthy

Stupid

I know I wrote about this before in Weighty Issue but I have been reminded of it lately by some comments left about my current Facebook picture.

Current Facebook picture, taken around Halloween by my daughter Fooling around with masks

Some people commented (in French) about my picture.  Loosely  translated, my aunt is telling me that my current picture is unacceptable because I am ugly, she wants me to put a picture where I am pretty. 

I respond that beauty is temporary and my picture reflects my sense of humour which is my best quality and more permanent. 

My mother replies that she hates my HORRIBLE picture and wants me to put one up from years ago when I was pretty, which no longer reflects the person I truly am.

My daughter responds that they wonder why I get depressed so often when the people I love cannot accept me as I am, and when I try to express myself they always accuse it and me of being ugly.  She took that picture, of me making a face, every one does them and they have to get over it.

My family does not accept me as I am.  They are ashamed of me as I am.  Their comments always reflect these feelings whenever they speak to me.  They say they love me as I am, but want me to lose weight (and not for my health, but for beauty)  They want me to use the pictures of when I was anorexic and bulimic because that was so much better.  Now that I am older, ill and fat with grey and drab hair, I am an insult to their surrounding.  I am the monster in their midst.  Then they wonder why I don't want to visit, why I absolutely hate living among them, why I became so suicidal.

My daughter noticed years ago how I would always become depressed after visiting my mom, how I would cry on the way home or cry after a phone conversation with her.  She saw how horrible it all made me feel.  I have been trying to become stronger, trying to love myself, however I am, trying to not care what other people say or think of me.  But when those I love just can't accept me and criticize who I am, it hurts and sets my recovery back.

I know they will read this and be displeased.  They certainly will not agree with anything I have written, but then again, I could never do anything right anyway, so it's not new.

They disapprove whether I try really hard not, I might as well just be me and say it like it is..

Well thanks for reading.

Who really cares?

So this morning I was reading some interesting blogs under the depression or bipolar theme

Musings and other Ramblings of a Crazy Beautiful Mind

Bipolar II: Newly Diagnosed

Fighting the Darkness, My Secret Battle With Depression

Fighting For My Life: Filling People In

Anxiety and Depression, Our Side Of The Story

To name but a few.  These are people who seem to be going through some of what I go through.  Not all of them are positive writers, nor are they all negative.  They say it like it is.  Just like I think I am doing, like I try to do.

Somehow they come off as much more interesting than I am.  I guess I am still in that dark place where such things matter to me, when they really shouldn't.  They all definitely have more followers than I do (Thank you Felicia).  Sure I did manage to get over 1000 views in 3 months (Thanks largely to my family and people from Russia.  HELLO RUSSIA!) but no one comments.  It's like no one cares.  People comment on those other blogs, either to congratulate or show support, but I don't deserve any of that.

Why is my life of no consequence?

Why am I boring?  Why can I not help myself?

My mom would love it if I got published one day.  But you only get published for being interesting.  Sure I have a lot to say.  But it's not about having things to say, it's about others wanting and willing to listen to you.  It's about belonging in the crowd, the universe.

I should write only for the joy of writing, only for the need to share.  I should really not care if anyone wants to hear what I have to say.

I have travelled quite the distance in how important (or non-important) I am in the last few years.  While driving to work I was just thinking about how Lindsay Lohan's song Rumour described how I felt in 2005-2006.

But I can tell that you're watching me

And you're probably gonna write what you didn't see

Well, I just need a little space to breathe

Can you please respect my privacy

Why can't you just let me do

The things I wanna do

I just wanna be me

I don't understand

Why would you wanna bring me down

I'm only having fun

I'm gonna live my life (but not the way you want me to)

I'm tired of rumors starting

I'm sick of being followed

I'm tired of people lying

Saying what they want about me

Why can't they back up off me

Why can't they let me live

I'm gonna do it my way

Take this for just what it is

It probably never really was that bad, but there were a lot of rumours about who I was or wasn't doing at the time.  That workplace was worst than a high school! (Felicia may remember as that is where I met her) Now, I strongly doubt anyone has anything to say about me, good or bad.

In 2008-2009 people were saying nice things about me, like that I would go far.  I was desired on a professional level, the rumours were good.  People thought I was smart and wanted to be part of my surrounding, making something of themselves by association.

Then I quit smoking, had a panic attack.  Things started to spiral downwards.  I went on sick leave for a month to try and get better.  It didn't work came back and became the one that could do nothing right.  Tried changing environments, but still continued to get worst.

Now I am just boring.  Just something to avoid like the plague.

I watch as others have taken the place I once had.

It sucks.

I want my life back

I want to be interesting again but fear it will never happen.  I am doomed.  I no longer belong, anywhere.

Thanks for reading, (the few of you who do)

The Epitome of Laziness

Has anyone hear of the sloth?  A sloth sleeps an average of 18 hours a day and tends to just lay around on branches when awake.  A Koala sleeps an average of 22 hours.

I believe I have met something even lazier than those creatures...

My Son.

Of course he does not sleep 18 to 22 hours a day, but if left to his own devices, he would play video games while lying on the couch for 18 hours a day, not eating, eliminating where is is and enjoying the warmth. and sleep for the remainder

My son's room is filled with trash.  He does not clean is room and is too lazy to bring the garbage to a trash can so he just drops it on the floor.  He does this everywhere in the house but I pick up the other rooms.  I do not pick up his room on a regular basis,  Cleaning up after him is thoroughly exhausting.  He leaves stuff lying around, anything lying around anywhere, and asking him to pick up his own things is a major production.  The conversation required to get him to pick up his stuff requires so much energy that I wind up mentally exhausted after asking him to bring his plate to the sink.  That is when he used a plate.  Many foods he will not use a plate as that would require the energy necessary to open a cupboard door and grab a plate.  Rather he walks around, eating the food and leaving a trail of crumbs.

Please note my son will not vacuum.

My son does not want to take a bath or shower because it demands too much energy and he does not get enjoyment out of those activities.  He also is not big on changing clothes.  He does not even remove his clothes for sleeping.  He will often wear the same clothes day in day out for days.  He eventually changes them because he is tired of hearing me nag.  But I have to nag A LOT! 

My son has enuresis, but he does not change his underwear for days at times.  He will wear dirty urine soaked underwear for weeks if we let him.  He also will not change his sheets or clean his mattress.  He keeps his dirty sheets in his room until we go in there and remove them.  He could just take them out and throw them into the laundry room from upstairs.  He doesn't even need to go downstairs.  I even suspect that he pees in bed just because he is too lazy to get up.

We have cats.  My son loves the cats, yet he does not want to clean the cat litter boxes.  I have even switched two of the litter boxes to the non-clumping kind so he does not have to sift every day and bought a self sifting one for the cats which prefer the clumping kind.  But dumping the used litter once a week into the green bin is too much work.  He complains that doing the cat litter is destroying his sense of smell, yet sleeping in his own urine is fine.

My son expects me to wash his clothes, clean his room, do the dishes, pick up his stuff, cook his food, cook really good and rich food,  do the cat litters, buy him everything he wants and desires, go to work and work overtime, do the groceries, shovel, feed the animals and so much more, yet none of that is work for me.  It's all easier for me than for him, even though I have CFS, FMS, BP and currently have an entrapped ulnar nerve, and a severely sprained ankle.

We are currently packing and getting ready to move.  Even though he is almost 14, he "can't" pack his own room.  It's not that he can't, it's that he is too effen lazy to do it and knows perfectly well that come moving day, if it's not done yet, someone will do it for him.  He also knows that I will be obligated to have his room cleaned eventually, under the law, so there is no need for him to do it.  He knows that I have no power whatsoever to enforce anything.  And to those parents that think they do, you are delusional.  Your power rests in your children's willingness to give it to you.  If they don't give it to you, you have none.

My son has qualified for giftedness, even though he has a learning disorder.  He is in a behaviour modification class with intellectually challenged kids because he is too lazy to bother trying to learn.  Has has no ambition whatsoever, and asking him anything with get you an "I don't know" as thinking about anything is just too much work.  He can do these things, he chooses not to.

I get that my son has a developmental delay and that he has ADHD and ODD, but those are just the icing on the cake.  They don't fully explain nor justify his total and utter laziness.

Well thanks for reading my rant.  Have a good day.


************** Update  2011-12-07

Don't know what happened to him on the day I wrote this but he was being HELPFUL!  Gotta give credit where credit is due.  He did some chores for me....

Broken mirror???

These last few days I have had a string of bad luck.  Some little, some a chain of unlikely events leading to something negative.  I can't help wondering if it's that mirror the cats broke.

Take for example the following events:

Number 1.

My son had an appointment with his psychiatrist.  The Friday before the appointment he knew that he would not make it to the appointment but he did not act upon that knowledge and left it to the last minute (or day).  On that day, his receptionist called and left a message on my home phone after I left for work and on my cell phone.  My cell, every once in a while turns off without warning. It doesn't do it every day, maybe once a week, but it did on that day so I missed the call.  After my phone was turned on, the message was not delivered to my phone (not until the next day)  This problem with my carrier's server happens maybe 2-5% of the time. I did not get the message on my cell, nor did I get the message at home as I picked up my son at his school and did not go home until after the appointment.

Because I am low on approved time off, I asked for the bare minimum.  On my way to the appointment, I was delayed by an accident on the road making me arrive at the appointment in the nick of time.  As the appointment was at 4 PM, it was the receptionist's end of shift so he had already closed his system, so did not check our appointment and assumed everything was fine, leaving a message with the doctor (on his VM) that we were there.  After 50 minutes, tired of waiting and getting hungry, we left.

As you can all attest, there were many opportunities for me to not have been stuck waiting 50 minutes uselessly, but a domino of events prevented me from finding out vital information on time.

Number 2.

This event is not as unlikely as the one above, but it does fall under the unlucky / stupid scenario.  As you know we have many cats.  The cats decided to pee on our spare mattress, so I needed to clean it.  I removed the covering and put the foam outside for over a week to aerate and dilute the cat urine (as it had rained and snowed on it, therefore cleansing it a bit).  Last weekend, I was bringing the mattress inside with my daughter.  I selected my comfy "basement" shoes" and went outside to get the mattress while my daughter stayed on the stoop to pick it up from there.  As I went to the yard to pick up the mattress, the shoes got wet, reducing their grip to 0%.  My daughter's shoes either stayed dry or kept their grip.  Going down the basement stairs, my right foot shot out from under me as the stairs are merely painted and have no anti-skid effect.  I somehow managed to grab the banister to prevent myself from propelling down the stairs, puling my daughter along for the ride and crashing on the cement basement floor below, possibly cracking our skull.  The banister held, to our great surprise as it it broken, and I fell on my foot.  All overweight of me fell on my foot.  To do so, my knee and ankle twist at an unnatural angle.  The knee only bruised slightly but the ankle got a bad sprain.  It twisted in and up with all of my weight on it.

I guess you could consider this lucky as I didn't kiss the basement floor and crack my skull, or my daughter's, but I did have to get the ankle out of commission for 6 weeks just when I am moving in 4 weeks. This is just the beginning of the domino effect. 

Number 3.

Yesterday, when I came to work, I had that new sprained ankle to content with.  This caused some delays in getting eveything done in the morning.  I was also running on lack of sleep as the ankle would wake me up every time I tossed and turned by getting tangled up in the blankets, causing some pretty hefty pain.

So when I parked, I may not have fully engaged the parking brake.  I am not sure.  And since my car is a standard, this does make a difference, especially if you are parked on a 1-2 % incline. It's even more important if someone happens to bump your car. To help with my story, I drew a very basic diagram below:

So yesterday morning, I parked in the area indicated by the red circle.  There are other parking rows to the left of my row (not in image).  Around lunch time I recieved and email saying that a grey car had hit a Teal van in the building's parking lot.  As the email included the plate numbers, there was no doubt that this was MY car.  I struggle downstairs to the parking lot to find out my car had travelled 3 spaces plus a lane. (arrow above)  This seemed totally improbable to me until I went to the car and saw that the parking brake was off!?!?!?!!?.  I always put my brake on.  I figure in my sleepiness I probably did not pull it fully on, plus with the ulnar nerve compression in my wrist, my grip is not as good.  It must have "slipped off".  Still, the parking is almost flat, how could it have travelled so far with such force as to dent my car?  To make matters worst, the van I hit belonged to my director.  I am sure this is included on the things of things not to do to your boss' boss' boss...

This is what I figure.

• the parking brake, not being "pulled up enough" came off, enabling the car to move, before or after
• a car "bumped" my car as they were probably backing up from their own parking space (to the left of my lane).  This is a theory developped as a result of a new scartch on my rear bumper that I do not recall seeing there before. Of course they did not stick around...
• this bump would have given my car enough speed, along with the slight incline for my car to travel faster than 1 KM/h making the event harder to be prevented and giving it enough force to dent my car.
• and since the car that had been parked in front of me (purple in diagram) MUST have left for a bit, it did not stop my car in the beginning of it's travel. My car surely DID NOT climb over it or around it without leaving a scratch.

A few different things could have happenned to prevent my car from hitting my director's van.  Good thing she only got a minor scratch out of the whole deal.  No wonder my insuance guy was laughing at me.   (Mind you I was laughing as I belive in the old adage it's better to laugh than cry.) 

I have a friend at work that tends to have some really weird and special adventures.  His name is Bruno.  As it is so common for his to have these really unusual and sometimes unlikely adventures and stories, we have turned his name into an adjective to name some of these stange events,  Bruno-esque.

I think some events in my life are starting to become a little too Bruno-esque for my liking.   And mirrors MUST stop breaking around me.

Well thanks for reading!