Putting Your Foot Down and Voicing Your Needs

So as you all know by now, my depression is full out.

This decision to buy a house was a really bad idea.  Would not have been such a bad idea if I had bought we were living in but this whole moving thing was just a really bad idea.

I should never have done it, if I could go back in time I would tell myself that even though my dream was attainable it was a horrible thing.

I should have realized that one cannot do something for themselves, especially when they are weak and depressed and tired.

I thought that attaining my dream of home ownership would give me a much needed boost, but rather this whole packing and moving has pushed me beyond depression and exhaustion to burnout.

Stupid of me.  So utterly stupid.

What made me think this would be possible?  What made me think I even deserved it?

I am a failure as a mother, and employee, a friend and as a person.

Somewhere along the line I even lost my voice.  I can't speak out anymore.  Every time I speak out I get either in trouble or ignored.  I write, because writing does not involve immediate confrontation, does not involve immediate drama.

I can't take any form of confrontation or drama anymore.  I just feel like rolling up in a little ball and dying.

Doctors won't treat me because I don't deserve treatment, I don't deserve a chance.

I am not like every one else.  I take the easy path these days, the path of least resistance because I can't find the will and motivation to take the harder path anymore.  I used to demand to be treated fairly, but there has always been too much push back.

I ask, I ask I ask but I don't get  They don't hear me.  People see me struggle and just watch.

Of course there ARE a few exeptions to the rule, some people hear and they try to reach out.  I see those people, but I am so deep into the abyss now that they can't reach me.  Those who could don't really bother, they are stuck in their own ways, convinced they are doing the right thing, yet doing harm.

I've been crying since last night.  I see everything crumbling around me.  Everything is dying.

So I have thought a lot about dying.  The way I see it, it IS my only way out.  I have been waiting for years for things to get better.  I have tried being what people wanted me to be, but I just could not fit in the box.  I stopped asking and demanding  and started giving in but it still was not good enough.  I tried smiling trough the tears, I tried looking at the silver linings, I tried being patient.  I tried positive thinking, I tried writing it out, I tried so many things to fit in this world.  I just don't.  I tried sticking around for the kids, for the family, but I have outlived my usefulness.  They don't need me anymore, I have outlived my usefulness and I am now just holding them back.

So last night I was thinking, maybe I should just tell my daughter to move out, maybe with some of her friends, get a job and let her decide if she really wants her education or not.  If she really wants it, she'll work for it, if she doesn't well she can drop out.  Let her decide her life. And she can bring all her stuff.  Then I should call CAS and have them come and take my son.  They can also take whatever supplies he needs in his new home.  Then quit my job and look at what's left, throw out all useless stuff and pack away the stuff which can still be usefull to someone else.  Have a charity with a bigh truck come and pick up everything.

Once all the possessions are gone, get enough cat food to last the remaining cats at least a month, leave a tap on for them to have water, fill up all the cat litter boxes with fresh litter and then either go drive into a wall at high speed or slit my wrists.

I can't decide which one I want yet.  Die driving or die with my blood slowly oozing out of my wrist with my cats around me.  I have everything I need for either option.

It's so easy to write all this, but I can't say it, I can't talk about it.  I have been told too many times that people just don't want to hear these things, I have become massively uncomfortable about voicing any of these things.  I don't have a voice, I don't feel that what I have to say matters or makes a difference.