When Everything is Your Fault.

So does anyone ever get the feeling that everything that goes wrong in the world is their fault?

Like they can't do anything right?

That is how I have been feeling lately.  Well I have definitely been told quite clearly that I am not good enough, that I don't have the right to rest and relax and enjoy the company of friends.  That I am lazy.

It's been quite clear, I got it.  I also hear that I am a total failure as a human being and as a mother.  I get that too.  The message is clear.  I can't take care of my son that my daughter is obligated to do all the work.  I failed to raise him to become a decent and productive member of society.

Everything is the house breaks or becomes dysfunctional because of me.  I am but a poor substitute for the other parent they once had. She did everything right, I do everything wrong. Rather than getting rid of her, I should have gotten rid of myself.  Things would have been much better for everyone. I decided to be stupid enough to buy a house and subjected everyone to loads of work.  Now every one's life is upside down and gone to hell and it's all my fault.  I wanted to achieve something for me but forgot, I don't deserve to have anything.

It's useless to cry.  Only worthless lazy crybabies cry.  No point is trying to lash out or try to explain.  There is no excuse.  I am a useless human being.  There is no excuse for that.

I have been reading  Louise Hay.  She defines the spiritual meaning of body aches and pains:

This is taken from this website: http://www.squidoo.com/spiritualmeaning#module12446061 which makes reference to this website: http://www.louisehay.com/

ACNE: Not accepting or disliking self

ANKLE PAIN: Inflexibility and guilt Inability to receive pleasure.

ARTHRITIS: Feeling unloved, criticism, resentment

BACK (upper): Lack of emotional support, or feeling unloved.

BACK (middle): Guilt. Stuck in all that stuff back there or Get off my back.

BACK (lower): Financial woes and concerns.

BLACK HEADS: Small outbursts of anger.

BREATHING PROBLEMS:  Fear or the refusal to take in life. Not feeling worthy to take up space.

CARPAL TUNNEL: Anger and frustrations at life's seeming injustices.

DEPRESSION: Anger, hopelessness.

 ELBOW PROBLEMS: Not being flexible, not able to change directions or accept new experiences.

ASTIGMATISM:  Inability to see ahead with Joy

FEET PROBLEMS:  Fear of the future or not wanting to move ahead

GUM PROBLEMS:  Inability to back up decisions.  Being wishy-washy about life.

HEADACHES:  Self-criticism. Not wanting to accept what is going on.

KNEE PROBLEMS:  Inability to bend.  Stubborn ego and pride. Fear. Inflexibility.  Won’t give in.

LEG PROBLEMS: Fear o the future, not being able to carry things forward.

MIGRAINE HEADACHE:  Sexual fears, or fear of being close. Letting someone in too close.  Feeling driven or pressured.

OVERWEIGHT PROBLEMS: Fear, feeling a deep need for emotional protection, Running away from feelings, insecurity.

PAIN: Self punishment, feeling emotional guilt.

SHOULDER PROBLEMS: Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, Feeling life is a burden.

SNORING: Stubborn refusal to let go of old patterns.

If one reads all of my physical issues listed and their spiritual meanings, one sees a pattern.  A lot of guilt, a dislike for oneself, a fear of going ahead and or the future, a stubbornness and inflexibility.  There is also a lot of unexpressed anger, which would be odd considering how much negativity is released through this blog.

I have had requests from wonderful caring people to reach out when the negativity and darkness overwhelms me.  It is very difficult to reach out when you feel unworthy.  I write.  I try to release the darkness through my writing.

Anger.  Yes, there is a lot of anger.  The emotion is eating me up inside.  Only about 10% of my anger is released, the rest is contained by my muzzle.  Anger is not acceptable.

I am angry at my kids, all the time.  Every hour and everyday, I am angry at them.  I am angry at me for my inadequacies.  I am angry at their lack of Independence, at their reliance on me.  I am angry that I feel chained to all my responsibilities.  I am angry that I expect sometimes more out of them than what I could do/be at their age, then I am angry and the things I could do at their age that they can't.  I am angry that I compare them to me.  I am angry that I can't do everything by myself, that I need so much help.  I am angry to always have to ask often to be ignored.  I am angry that I let things pile up.  I am angry that I can't express myself.  I am angry that I am such a wimp.  I am angry that everything I do for myself has such a high price.  I am angry that cheaters and liars and thieves get little consequences but that I always get tenfold.

Sometimes the violence inside of me scares me.  I am scared that one day it will burst free and I will be totally unable to contain it.  I am scared of what I will do it I can't keep the damn closed.